Back to You
by LawliPop
Summary: We could have had it all.  / AU / SuzakuxLelouch, SuzakuxEuphemia
1. One & Only, Part 1

_Lawli: I wasn't going to post this until it was nearly complete, but... today's my birthday so I can do whatever I want, and I wanted to publish this on here. _

_My inspiration for this fic is the Adele CD '21' - specifically the song "Someone Like You." Every chapter corresponds to a different song on the CD, which I encourage you to look up on Youtube (or you can find the chapters on my LJ, where I also have the videos to the songs embedded). The titles of the chapters are the songs which inspired them._

_Anyways. This fic will feature Suzaku as a "happily married" husband and father and Lelouch a refrain-addicted home-wrecker. Pretty much... I just wanted a reason o write Suzaku as a daddy, because that is just an image I find absolutely adorable, for some reason. __Don't let that fool you, though. Despite the sometimes fluffy-and-cute moments that will occur in this fic (mainly in the One & Only chapters, such as this first chapter) I think this is actually one of the saddest stories I've ever written - which is saying something, coming from an angst-whore like me - because I've tried to make it as realistic as possible. __Oh, and I also have to thank the author **WhiteApple**... because it's through fangirly discussions with her that I better developed this idea, and actually decided to write it. :3_

_The rating will eventually go up to M, but that won't happen for a while still and when it does I will give fair warning!_

_This is my first time writing a story in present-tense, also. So if there is anything I messed up on, please point it out to me! Constructive criticism is always appreciated!_

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

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><p><em><strong>Fragment 01<br>**__**One & Only, Part 1**_

"_You've been on my mind  
>I grow fonder every day<br>Lose myself in time  
>Just thinking of your face"<em>

_It's winter. The trees are bare and the park deserted, save for a lone boy sitting on a stone bench reading a book far more advanced than his grade level. Lelouch gets cold easily but his mother thoroughly bundled him up in a thick down-feather coat and wool scarf, and he likes the tranquil atmosphere of the park – especially when it's secluded like this – too much to let the weather spoil his enjoyment. Snow falls gently from the sky, some flakes nestling in his dark hair and others melting upon contact with his skin or clothing. The rest gathers in small heaps upon the grass. _

_Lelouch turns the page._

_He enjoys reading. It is relaxing, and though he would ever admit it to any of his siblings he sometimes envisions himself as the main characters, partaking in thrilling adventures and rescuing shy maidens from fates worse than death. Pretending is nice. Schneizel would call it immature but Lelouch calls it safe, because he can pretend he is anything in the world – the prince of a holy empire, a dark wizard, anything the stories imagine he can be – just not Lelouch Vi Britannia, who hates the sound of yelling and breaking glass and his sister crying as a family dinner dissolves into another senseless fight and his father storms out of the house yet again. _

_Lelouch hates his father. Not only because of the fights, but because most of the time he feels as if he doesn't even have a father at all. Schneizel says he's the favorite son, but Lelouch never believes him; Schneizel is a teenager and all teenagers do is lie, and Lelouch can count the number of birthdays his father has attended on one hand. _

_Today is his birthday. Lelouch did not ask for presents or a big party, only for peace and quiet. He stays at the park much longer than his usual hour or two because he knows his mother is planning something anyways and he knows something will happen (something always happens, usually because of that man) to make it only painfully memorable. If at he stays at the park, maybe they'll only get mad at him, and not get mad at each other, and there won't be any shouting or throwing the cake like on Nunnally's birthday... _

_Something hits his leg._

_Lelouch blinks, looks down, and discovers a soccer ball. He's about to kick it away, but sees someone has already come to claim it as he follows the path made in the snow up to a boy about his own age. The boy is dressed in faded jeans and a baggy sweatshirt (isn't he cold like that?) with a blue tuque pulled over his head; his breath comes out in white clouds as he runs._

"_Hi," he says once he's close enough. He stops three or so feet from the bench and lingers there expectantly. Lelouch only stares at him, mildly surprised at the intrusion of privacy, until eventually the boy shifts uncomfortably and scratches at his elbow. "Um, sorry... That's mine." He points to the ball and approaches to pick it up. Lelouch waits for him to leave, but he doesn't. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"_

_There's genuine curiosity in his voice and, Lelouch detects with a small amount of resentment, concern. Lelouch hates being babied._

"_Reading," he answers coldly, and holds up the book for emphasis. The way the boy's face flushes in embarrassment – because, really, that should have been _obvious_ – pleases him. _

_Rather than Lelouch hoped, the boy does not simply take his soccer ball and go. Obviously subtlety is lost on him and Lelouch resorts to curling his upper lip and purposefully scooting away as he is joined on the bench. _

"_Reading what?"_

_Lelouch looks the boy up and down, decides from the hand-me-down state of his clothes the boy's socioeconomic status, and says something he hopes will sting enough to get him off the bench and back out of sight. "I highly doubt you'd know it, even if I did tell you."_

_The boy laughs, much to Lelouch's shock and annoyance. "Probably not. Hey, do you want to play?" He holds the soccer ball up in invitation. _

_Unlike his step-brothers, Lelouch has never been good at sports. His chest cavity is narrow, his lungs can't expand fully, and the other boys tease him when he just can't keep up in class – not that he cares what any of them think. "I'm reading," he says. Something about the way the boy's face falls makes Lelouch's stomach flip unpleasantly; he's never dealt well with guilt. "Won't your teammates be upset?" he asks, sighing in defeat. _

_The boy's hands - not covered in gloves like Lelouch's own - grip the ball tightly. "I..." He looks away, blushing. Lelouch quirks an eyebrow. "I actually came alone," he finally says before meeting Lelouch's gaze hopefully. _

_There is something familiar about his eyes. A despair hidden deep within emerald pools that Lelouch identifies with, fights to mask every day in front of others. But he knows in that instant the boy has seen it, and their shared sorrow is what made him take that seat beside Lelouch on the park bench. _

_Lelouch sets the book aside and instead places his hands over the boy's. The boy's smile lights up his whole face, and it's infectious; Lelouch finds himself smiling as well. _

_It's winter. The trees are bare and the park deserted, save for two boys laughing together on a stone bench. _

_It is Lelouch Vi Britannia's twelfth birthday, the day he made his first true friend, and the day he fell in love._


	2. Set Fire to the Rain, Part 1

_Lawli: Thank you for the positive feedback! :) _

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

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><p><em><strong>Fragment 02<br>Set Fire to the Rain**  
>"There's a side to you that I never knew, never new<br>All the things you'd say  
>They were never true, never true."<em>

_Lelouch does not attend the ceremony. He receives multiple invitations, all of which go ignored, along with a multitude of written, e-mailed and voicemail pleadings for him to please show up and act as the best man. He sends a gift, of course. Doing otherwise would be bad manners, and in the Britannia family keeping up appearances is everything. But the check barely covers the cost of a plate and the card - with only his signature and a brief note, _I hope you're very happy_- hardly expresses any of the pride and familial love that should come from a brother on his sister's wedding day._

_While Euphemia walks down the aisle in, he imagines, an impeccable white princess ball gown, Lelouch holes himself up in his small one-bedroom apartment - all he can afford since the engagement was announced and he walked out on his old life - and loses himself in a time where Suzaku, who would be devastatingly handsome in his equally white suit as he stands before the altar with a shy, expectant smile on his face, belonged only to him._

_(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)-(-)_

_Suzaku only hesitates for a moment, when he looks into Euphemia's shining amethyst eyes and sees someone else. His lips part but his throat is suddenly dry, incapable of producing sound. Euphemia's hand tightens around his own. He nearly drops the ring._

_Lelouch.  
><em>  
><em>He blinks and only Euphemia, her eyes rimmed with unshed tears, stares back at him.<em>

_Lelouch isn't there at his side. Not that he ever really thought he would be, even after all the times Suzaku begged for him to. Suzaku may be happy on this day, but after all they have been to each other he can hardly expect Lelouch to willingly stand by and watch him give himself wholly to another person. Lelouch has always liked Euphemia best out of all his half-siblings, but it doesn't change the fact that this wedding is the ultimate betrayal, doesn't change the fact that as Suzaku slides the ring onto Euphemia's slender finger, whispering, "I do," he is leaving Lelouch behind forever._

_He thought he'd long since gotten over it. Long since decided this was the better path in life for him, the right choice to make._

_Still, as Euphemia kisses him and the organ sounds and the church erupts into polite applause, he feels a small part of his heart - the part still devoted to Lelouch, maybe, to the freedom a smile and slender hand once offered him - shatter. _**_  
><em>**


	3. Don't You Remember?

_Lawli: Thank you to linda31, MakenshICrona, Ni-chan, Atheist1, luckless-is-me, and FwoopaDoaks for reviewing the last chapter. And also to everyone who has followed this/left their comments on LJ. :) _

_This chapter takes place in the 'present' for real. And now that these three segments have been posted, I'll point out if it hasn't been obvious that there are three separate time frames this story takes place in: The childhood flashbacks (One & Only), which will be presented in the order which they happened; the teenage/young adult flashbacks (Set Fire to the Rain) which will actually work backwards; and finally the present-day, which will also be written as they take place and each be named after a different song. Sorry for being super confusing, but this story will indeed be jumping all over the place. xD;_

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

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><p><em><strong>Fragment 03<br>Don't You Remember?**  
>"I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness<br>And a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head..  
>But don't you remember<br>The reason you loved me before?" _

Lelouch recognizes him in an instant. The tattered clothes of childhood are long gone, replaced instead with a sophisticated suit that looks entirely unnatural on him – his is a body built for manual labor, broad and strong and much better suited for hiking outdoors than spending days cooped up in an office. But that's where he's going, if the briefcase in his hands is any indication. His hair is slightly different as well, shorter but no less tame even with the obvious attempt of product. His smile is the same, wide and engaging as he makes idle conversation with the barista, making her laugh easily. Lelouch wants to smile as well, despite the frantic beating of his heart and the burning anger that surges through his veins. Suzaku's always had that power, but Lelouch has had ten years to develop immunity to boyish charms.

He decides first to disregard Suzaku's presence entirely; pretend as if he doesn't know the young business man before him (it won't be that far a stretch from the truth; after ten years, he's certainly neither the little boy from the park Lelouch wasted his first crush on, or the passionate teenager who pressed a needle to his vein and promised it would all be okay) and just orders his coffee like usual. But then, he thinks angrily, he should give Suzaku a piece of his mind; deliver the slug to the face that is many years belated but no less undeserved.

"Venti latte for Lelouch," the barista chirps, and whatever course of action Lelouch decided on is pointless now as Suzaku turns his head and focuses wide eyes on him.

They're greener than Lelouch remembers, bright and lovely and sparkling with recognition and a happiness he doesn't try to mask. He does hesitate before he speaks, and because of that Lelouch can't think of him as completely brainless even if he disagrees with everything Suzaku has done with his life.

"Is that really you?"

Lelouch rolls his eyes - because, really, that should have been _obvious_, his name is hardly common and Suzaku knows it perfectly well. But maybe there's a part of him just like there's a part of Lelouch that hopes this isn't happening. Starbucks at seven-fifteen on a Monday morning is hardly the place for a reunion bound to be full of tears and yelling and flying fists and _biting kisses, clawing hands on clothing, taking him roughly and forcing him to realize who he should belong to, she isn't good enough or maybe she's just too good but Suzaku and Lelouch are sinners who deserve each other_ -

"I never thought I'd see you here."

'Here' not only meaning in public, but in the downtown business district, in the Starbucks right next to Britannia Corp's headquarters.

"I've turned over a new leaf," Lelouch says, raising his arms because he always been fond of dramatic gestures. The scars on his arms, old and new, prove that he's lying but he doubts Suzaku believes anything that comes out of his mouth anyways, considering how all those years ago he completely disregarded Lelouch clinging to him, crying, insisting over and over that he loved him, needed him, would die before he let Suzaku just walk away and choose a pretty faceover him… Oh, but he's still alive so maybe he is a liar after all.

"Well…" Suzaku takes a step forward, Lelouch takes a step back. Green eyes blink rapidly and, thank God, the happiness in them slowly dissipates. As he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly Lelouch spies the glint of a wedding ring. "It was nice seeing you, then." He's perceptive as always, for when he lowers his hand he shoves it into his pocket. "You look good, Lelouch."

Yes, Lelouch is sure he does, even with the bags under his eyes and nervous twitch and sweat beading at his forehead. Suzaku always thought he was very pretty and time has treated both of them well.

"You should, um…" Suzaku shifts on his feet nervously. "You should come by for dinner sometime." _No_. "Euphie would love to see you." _Like I give a shit. _

It's peace offering; Suzaku's always been fond of those: _Let's make amends and be best pals again; I'll have my beautiful adoring wife cook dinner in our perfect little house and watch your heart break with every perfectly adoring look I send her way…_

Lelouch's fists clench at his sides. Like hell would he subject himself to that. Receiving their wedding invitation had been enough of a slap in the face…

It can only end it disaster.

He will only come to regret it.

_Or maybe..._

He forces a smile. Says, "I'd like that," and watches as Suzaku beams.


	4. One & Only, Part 2

_Lawli: Thank you to luckless-is-me, makenshicrona, VivaLaQueen, Atheist1, JadisViBritannia, and Ni-chan9 for reviewing the last chapter. :)_

_Isn't Lelouch just a ball of angst? And then there's Suzaku, oblivious as usual..._

_Here's a hopefully less angsty and more adorable chapter. _

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

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><p><strong><span>Fragment 04<span>  
>One &amp; Only, Part 2<strong>  
><em>"I don't know why I'm scared<br>I've been here before  
>Every feeling, every word<br>I've imagined it all"_

__"So, um… I've seen you here before, you know. Reading."__

T_he boy's name is Suzaku Kururugi. He's eleven-and-six-months and lives with his father, whom he doesn't like talking about – which suits Lelouch just fine; they make an unspoken vow to never breach the subject of family. He likes hamburgers and sports, and he doesn't understand most school subjects (no, physical education doesn't count, um, so he is good at math, sort of?) and his smile makes Lelouch's heart clench in a way that is both uncomfortable and pleasant at the same time._

_They meet in the early evening, at the same park bench, Lelouch always with a book because he gets there first most of the time and Suzaku with his ball because he promises Lelouch that one day he'll get him to play with him. It's been almost two weeks and all they do is sit on the bench, making small conversation. Sometimes Lelouch reads aloud; it embarrassed him the first time Suzaku asked if he could – Suzaku, who doesn't even like books or reading, but who shrugged nonchalantly and made Lelouch blush with his simple explanation of, "I like listening to you."_

_And it must be true, because Suzaku rarely interrupts between paragraphs – unless to ask the meaning of a word, which he does every so often then wrinkles his nose and complains ("why don't they just_

_ say that?") when Lelouch gives a triumphant little smirk (he does like being smarter) and tells him._

_Mildly surprised by the sudden declaration, Lelouch sets his bookmark between the pages. "Yeah?" he replies, for lack of anything better to say. He's both flattered and disconcerted. What can he say to the fact that Suzaku has been watching him?_

_Suzaku twists a fleece black scarf – it's Lelouch's; he arrived with it at the end of the first week, perturbed by Suzaku's lack of coat and blue-hued lips – idly around his neck. "Yeah."_

_He does not say anything more._

_Lelouch frowns and closes the book. There's something locked behind emerald eyes. Suzaku isn't good at hiding things; he's strangely honest in a way Lelouch is unaccustomed to. Not having to decode every word from the boy's mouth is refreshing, but more often than not Lelouch finds himself frustrated with Suzaku because of it. "And?"_

_Whatever it is is uncomfortable for Suzaku to admit. He stalls by glancing up at the barren tree above them, down at his soccer ball, anywhere but Lelouch's face. "And, well... You always looked really lonely. I wanted to say something to you for a while, but I never really knew what... and... um, usually my control of the ball is really good."_

_Suzaku's voice trails off but Lelouch understands. "So my getting hit with a soccer ball wasn't an accident?"_

_"...My aim's always been really good, too."_

_Lelouch rolls his eyes. "Idiot."Suzaku glares at him. "I have a bruise, you know." That isn't true at all; the ball barely touched him. But Suzaku leans in close and grasps his shoulders in an awkward, boyish hug, and Lelouch isn't as moral as Suzaku, he has no problem telling white lies when it's convenient. Suzaku is a welcome warmth in the cold winter air; Lelouch leans into him unconsciously, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of nature that seems to cling to the other boy._

_"I'm sorry, Lelouch! I didn't mean to hurt you, I just-"_

_Lelouch silences him by laying a hand atop Suzaku's head, brushing thick curls back and out of his face. It's an apology accepted and something much more. Suzaku's cheeks turn pink. It's cute, but a sure sign the moment has gone on longer than necessary._

_Coughing, Lelouch releases the boy – his friend? Love interest? The fine line is hard for a twelve-year-old, even a smart one like Lelouch, to differentiate between. "I guess I forgive you. Though I don't know how you could be scared to talk to someone..."_

_That gets a reaction. The blush on Suzaku's face darkens for an entirely different reason as he straightens his posture and crosses his arms indignantly over his chest. "I wasn't scared," he sniffs._

_The awkwardness of before is gone. Suzaku is picking a fight now, but it isn't the sort of fight Lelouch is used to at home, ones that end in tears. Lelouch knows, because Suzaku is a gentle person and their childish squabbles are nothing more than that._

_He takes the bait. "Chicken."_

_"Say that to my face!"_

_"I am."_

_Suzaku opens his mouth, then promptly closes it upon realizing he can't argue the truth. His lower lip juts out in defeat as he glares down at his sneakers._

_Lelouch laughs openly. Eventually Suzaku forgets his anger and joins him._


	5. Set Fire to the Rain, Part 2

_Lawli: Thank you to... luckless-is-me, Atheist1, Jadis Vi Britannia, MakenshiCrona, shiai1, JunJouVampire, Ni-chan9 ...for reviewing! :)_

_And now the fluff from the last chapter must be balanced out with this chapter..._

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

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><p><strong><em>Fragment 05<em>****_  
><em>****_Set Fire to the Rain, Part 2  
><em>**_"I set fire to the rain  
><em>_And I threw us into the flames  
><em>_When we fell, something died  
><em>_Cause I knew that that was the last time"_

_"You fucked her!"__  
><em>

_Suzaku shakes his head. He can't take this. "You're using again."_

_"Didn't you?"_

_"I can't talk to you like this..."_

_Lelouch grabs his shoulders, and it's strange but he's somehow harnessed the strength to push Suzaku back against the doorframe. His eyes are wild, pupils blown, lips still swollen from earlier that morning; Suzaku can't even look at him. "Didn't you?"  
><em>_  
>Suzaku hesitates and then sighs, and that speaks volumes more than anything he could actually say. Lelouch bites down on his knuckles, torn between screaming and crying but still too proud to let Suzaku see him do either. <em>

_"Look, just... Let's sit down, okay? I'll fix you something to eat and we'll talk about this." The last thing he wants to do is talk about it. Guilt gnaws at him and its only worse now that Lelouch knows. The only thing Suzaku can feel relief over is that the lie will no longer eat him away from the inside, every time he makes love to Lelouch and envisions someone else.__  
><em>

_"Don't you patronize me, you self-righteous— You think you're better than me, Suzaku? Is that it?" His shoulders shake. Suzaku wants to reach out and comfort him, he knows this is hard and there is no right way to end things, and despite it all he'll always have a place in his heart for Lelouch; but he only stands there, too afraid to actually touch him. "Just because you work in a big building now?" __  
><em>

_Lelouch throws his head back, releasing a sharp laugh that sends a chill down Suzaku's spine. When the laughter dies down, Lelouch saunters forward, eyes lidded and roaming over the pressed slacks and crisp white shirt Suzaku wears. Pale fingers curl around the tie dangling from Suzaku's neck. "Who got you that cushy office job?" Suzaku only blinks. "You think Britannia Corp was impressed by your resume? You – a college dropout!" To Lelouch's satisfaction, Suzaku flushes. Lelouch presses closer, lips brushing against Suzaku's ear, and of course there's an automatic physical reaction. "They were about to toss it in the trash when I went in to talk to them. I _begged _them to hire you."__  
><em>

_"You think I don't know that?" Suzaku averts his gaze. He knows he'd never get a real job on his own; he hasn't anywhere near the necessary credentials for that. Still, it pains to be reminded of the fact that he owes everything he has to the person he currently can't even look in the eye, the man he loves but, for the good of them both, he must abandon. "You think it doesn't humiliate me, every time I step into the office and have to hear them whispering about how I'm sleeping with the boss's son?"__  
><em>

_"You are, aren't you? And now the boss's daughter..."_

_"Lelouch—"__  
><em>

_"What's worse, office bike or junkie? You were just like me not long ago. Nothing. You'd still be nothing, without me, and you think Euphie would even spare you a second thought then?"__  
><em>

_No. No she wouldn't, because Euphemia is good and pure and he still doesn't understand what she sees in him, only that he's desperate for the salvation she's offered him – for a normal life, like he's never known. Something he can actually be proud of, and she can give it to him. "I don't want to be that person anymore. I want... what everyone at Britannia has, Lelouch. What you gave up. A real life... I want to actually provide for myself, maybe a family one day-"__  
><em>

_"I could have provided for you!" Lelouch kisses him firmly, and for a moment Suzaku allows it, even wraps his arms around Lelouch's waist and pulls him closer. Lelouch melts against him, sighing into his mouth._

_Suzaku pulls back and brushes his fingers through silky black hair. His voice is soft when he speaks; "Like you're providing for Nunnally?'  
><em>_  
>Lelouch jerks away as if slapped, tears springing to his wide, disbelieving eyes. Suzaku swallows his guilt, hardens his resolve. This needs to be done. He can't live this way anymore. He wants more out of his life than this – than them, the constant tug-of-war that is their relationship. "Please, Lelouch..." His hand passes over Lelouch's cheek, his eyes, memorizing it all a final time. Lelouch will never want to see him again after this. "...You can't even take care of yourself."<em>  
><em><br>Lelouch slams the door on his way out.  
><em>_  
>Suzaku holds a hand to his stinging cheek and sinks to the floor.<br>__  
>He tells himself it was the right thing to do.<em>


	6. Someone Like You, Part 1

_Lawli: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. :)_

_Back to the present-day with this chapter! _

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

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><p><strong><em>Fragment 06<br>Someone Like You_**_  
>"I've heard that you settled down<br>That you found a girl and you're married now  
>I heard that your dreams came true<br>Guess she gave you things I couldn't give to you"_

The house is perfect; a charming bungalow with cream-colored paneling and red-framed picture windows, separated from its larger neighbors by a wrap-around white picket fence that looks to have been recently repainted. Lining the cobbled walkway to the cheerful red door are perfectly manicured yellow roses. In the right corner of the yard is a sturdy oak tree with a tire swing hanging from one of the thicker branches, swaying back and forth idly in the gentle summer breeze. Even the air surrounding the house is of freshly cut grass.

Lelouch wrinkles his nose in distaste, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his distressed jeans and wishing he had anything on him worth littering. A crumbled receipt, or cigarette butt – anything to devalue the flawless example of domesticity before him. Unfortunately he carries nothing on him but his wallet and syringe – and neither of those things he is willing to part with.

So instead he needlessly double-checks the plaque above the white mailbox to make sure the address is correct. Its black-painted characters, elegant script that is hardly masculine (not that anything about the house, aside from the garish orange toolbox carelessly forgotten by the hose, screams masculine) remains unchanged –**_Kururugi Family_**.

Why has he come here, again? Lelouch idly kicks a pebble off the otherwise flawless sidewalk, trying to appear as if he isn't just loitering around a strange house but actually has a purpose for being there – because he does. Fieldtrips to the Pendragon suburbs aren't exactly weekly activities he plans for fun. Lelouch has a purpose for everything he does; he doesn't operate unless with a plan of action.

A shadow passes behind the drawn curtains of the window. Lelouch tenses, briefly considering ducking behind the nearest hedge to avoid being caught.

Yes, he always has a purpose. He just can't always remember it.

He's been invited for dinner. That does not explain what he's doing standing before Suzaku Kururugi's house at nine-o-clock in the morning.

Lelouch wracks his brain, recalling the combined waves of rage and emptiness that had engulfed him upon turning to the morning news (something he rarely does anymore; current events have little value to someone addicted to the past) and watching a recap of some high-end Britannia Corporation function he never received an invitation to, wherein Suzaku Kururugi, his first and only love, shook hands with Charles Zi Britannia as he was named Co-Chair of the Engineering Department. He looked so happy, dressed in a handsome suit with his hair actually tamed in a side-part, dark green eyes shining, but crinkled just slightly at the corners with an emotion Lelouch didn't raise his hopes by labeling.

He'd stormed out of his apartment, not even bothering to lock the door. The ride had been expensive, but Lelouch practiced in the art of getting what he wants, and the added time only heightened his desire to see those forest green eyes again in person. Accidentally at a coffee shop isn't enough. But showing up unannounced at his house is hardly better, because now he has Euphemia to deal with, and how on Earth will he get Suzaku to agree to be alone with him –

The door opens.

Lelouch doesn't know what he's expecting – Suzaku in another suit, leaving for the office; maybe one of them taking the dog out (_do they have a dog? They seem like the type of couple that has a dog_) – but it certainly isn't the child who steps outside, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She clutches a stuffed frog to her chest as she totters onto the porch, bends down, and retrieves the newspaper from the stoop. With a sinking feeling Lelouch looks once more at the plaque above the mailbox.

Kururugi _Family_... It has never even occurred to him that might mean...

"Mama," the girl cries nervously, and Lelouch sucks in a quick breath as he realizes she's staring at him. Her eyes are large, slanted just slightly at the corners and a startling shade of green that Lelouch knows all too well.

She looks just like _him_. Short brown curls, deep green eyes... even the slight upturn of her nose is identical.

Lelouch feels sick.

"Did _tou-san_ forget something?" a lyrical voice answers from inside.

He shouldn't have come here. What had he been thinking? Of course he knows Suzaku is married – he received an invitation to the wedding (best man they'd wanted him to be!), saw the ring on his finger just the other morning at Starbucks – but a _family_... kids... It is too much for Lelouch to handle.

This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea and he's going home.

A woman appears in the doorway. Her long pink hair is pulled up in a sloppy ponytail, and it's obvious she hasn't been awake for very long. She wears a white terrycloth robe and no makeup, but _oh_, Lelouch thinks wistfully, _she's still so beautiful.__  
><em>

"Lulu," she calls softly, and for at terrifying moment Lelouch fears she recognizes him. It has been a few years but he isn't an everyman like Suzaku Kururugi, who blends in with the crowd and often goes unnoticed unless for the rare moments he allows himself to actually_be_ himself. There's also the fact, and this hurts most of all, that she's his sister.

She lays a hand on the toddler's shoulder, and Lelouch feels something else stirring in the pit of his stomach. _Lulu_. The name reeks of the past; Lelouch hates it, hates everything it reminds him of.

_Tender embraces – laying together in a field of sunflowers – "This will make you forget" – giving himself over entirely to another person and that name being whispered over and over in his ear – "Lulu" – a gasp and a moan – the cold of the syringe against his vein for the first time – "I love you, Lulu..."_

This changes everything.


	7. Someone Like You, Part 2

_Lawli: Thank you to atheist1, luckless-is-me, MakenshiCrona, shiai10 for reviewing the last chapter. :)  
><em>

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 07<strong>__**  
>Someone Like You, Part 2<strong>_  
><em>"I remember you said<br>Sometimes it lasts it love  
>But sometimes it hurts instead"<em>

He stays in the suburbs, because he's due back for dinner later in the day. He doesn't want to go, would love nothing more than to flee to his apartment and shoot up until he can't remember that little brown head of curls, or the Kururugi Family plaque, or Lulu or anything at all except fields of sunflowers and warm arms around him – but that would be running away, and despite it all he can't bring himself to run away from Suzaku Kururugi again. He won't let himself be a coward, and so he reminds himself of why he's there – reminds himself that he had Suzaku first, Suzaku swore himself to him as a child and that is why Lelouch will win this game – and spends the afternoon in the park, laying on a stone bench and basking in the shade provided by an overgrown oak tree.

Lelouch doesn't know how much time passes, between when he closes his eyes and opens them again, but the sky is a painter's canvas of pinks and oranges. He sits up and there's a bad taste in his mouth. As he swings his legs over the bench to stand he wonders how he hasn't been evicted from the park, sleeping on the bench like a homeless person for God knows how long, and that is when something slams against his shin.

It's a soccer ball.

At first he thinks it's a dream, a hallucination from the Refrain – there's a child running towards him, chocolate curls bouncing and green eyes shining in the early evening sunlight – but he hasn't used today. The syringe is still in his back pocket, untouched, and the child isn't dressed in tattered jeans and a sweater. It's summer and this is a little girl; she's wearing a blue jersey inscribed with the number 7.

"That's mine," the girl says, stopping several feet from him and pointing at the ball.

Lelouch picks it up. Remarks, "nice aim," and watches with wry amusement as her nose scrunches.

He tosses her the ball. She kicks it back at him, hits him in the shin again and this time it actually _hurts_.

"My aim's really good," she says, crossing her arms over her chest and _oh, there's no doubt about it, they're definitely related _– because only one other person has ever looked at him that way. She tilts her head to the side, still glaring petulantly. "You're that man from before."

Lelouch opens his mouth, wanting to deny it, to defend himself but it's like she already knows anything he says will be a lie. The slight upturn of her lips mocks him – how much does she know? It's as if she can see into him, see all of his secrets, it's frightening and he wants to run away.

"Luana!"

Suzaku is there, attractively ruffled with his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows and tie undone. He stops when he sees Lelouch, eyes comically wide and Lelouch wants to laugh or cry at the irony of it all because _this is where it all started_.

There's a pregnant silence as Lelouch finally stands from the bench. It's as if time stands still. Lelouch takes a step closer, hand extending.

"Tou-san, lets go." The girl has grabbed Suzaku's hand and is tugging him in the opposite direction.

Suzaku blinks, glances between his daughter and the man who once was his best friend and so much more –and painfully less – than that. He extends a hand this time. "Did you want to watch Luana's game?"

Luana is six years old and the star of the Under Ten neighborhood soccer league. A natural born athlete, like her father. She scores three goals in the second half of the game and Lelouch actually cheers for her from where he sits beside Suzaku on the parents' bench. It's like old times. It's just like old times: Lelouch cheering on the sidelines, Suzaku easily taking control of the game – he stands and cheers, _go Suzaku, you can do it, I believe in you!_ – and is only brought out of it when Suzaku grasps him by the wrist and reminds him gently, emerald eyes soft but curious, that his daughter's name is _Luana_.

Lelouch sits back down and is silent for the remainder of the half, until Suzaku formally introduces Luana and the little girl cocks her head to the side and sizes his up.

"We're old friends," Suzaku explains, when she asks who Lelouch is. "Lelouch will be coming over for dinner, is that okay?"

Luana shrugs, disinterested, and glances back at the grassy field. "_Tou-san_," she whines, holding up the soccer ball. Suzaku smiles indulgently.

Most of the other families have dispersed, so the three of them form a triangle on the grass. The dying sun plays tricks on his eyes, turning strands of Suzaku's hair a light golden brown and making his eyes sparkle as he laughs and gently kicks the ball to his daughter. The summer air is warm; there's a thin sheen of sweat on Suzaku's brow that Lelouch wants to lick away. He feels sticky himself, and normally that would be unpleasant but he only returns the smile and attempts to block the ball Luana sails in his direction. It passes him easily and Lelouch has to run after it.

When he returns, ball in his hands, breath more ragged than it had been seconds ago, Suzaku approaches him. There's something familiar in his eyes. Lelouch remembers how on the news that morning they had been pinched at the corners, strained somehow, concealing the sorrow Lelouch had always been able to see in them – but that isn't the case anymore. Now, they are bright and beautiful and green. Lelouch wants to kiss him, wants to reach out and tangle his hand in that curly head of hair and –

He feels Suzaku's hands over his own and his breath catches.

"I finally got you to play with me," Suzaku says, a teasing lilt to his voice. He takes the ball from Lelouch's hands. "I knew I would, one day."


	8. Someone Like You, Part 3

_Lawli: Thank you to atheist1, luckless-is-me, MakenshiCrona, shiai10 for reviewing the last chapter. :)  
><em>

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 08<strong>__  
><strong>Someone Like You, Part 3<strong>  
>"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited<br>but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it  
>I hoped you'd see my face<br>and that you'd be reminded that for me  
>it isn't over yet"<em>

Dinner starts off pleasant enough.

The four of them sit at the dinner table, Suzaku and Lelouch on opposite ends of the table. Euphemia, dressed in a pretty white sundress with her long hair braided over her shoulder, serves them a hearty dinner of roast beef and potatoes. Lelouch compliments her on her improved cooking skills, but can't help pointing out that the beef is overcooked. Euphemia blushes and Suzaku frowns disapprovingly, lays a hand atop his wife's, and declares he thinks it's perfect. It's adorable, they're such a cute couple - little Luana starts giggling as her daddy leans over to kiss her mommy on the cheek and it is then that Lelouch starts to feel sick to his stomach.

They're too perfect. Amidst the smalltalk that is dinner conversation they shoot each other affectionate glances and tiny smiles. At some point, their hands become joined on the tabletop, Suzaku's thumb stroking Euphemia's palm. All Lelouch wants to do is reach out and tear them apart. But he doesn't, he can't because -

"We're so happy you're here, Lelouch."

Lelouch doesn't believe her, not for a second. Because even as she says it she's looking at Suzaku, a pretty blush on her face as he squeezes her hand and_ it's like they're doing it on purpose._ Lelouch thinks, _this was a mistake_. Over and over,_ this was a mistake this was a mistake this was a mistake._ He thought that maybe - maybe, what? That he could change things, ha! She's perfect, perfect and beautiful and good and she will always be the first choice; he will always be the afterthought, the backup but he just can't live with that, he just can't sit here and watch as they love each other, he can't.

"Mama, I'm tired."

Euphemia laughs quietly and folds her napkin, setting it on the table. "Do you boys mind?"

Suzaku shakes his head, smiling. "Not at all. We'll catch up."

Lelouch only nods, not watching as Euphemia excuses herself and leaves the room with her daughter. She promises she'll serve dessert after Luana has fallen sleep. Lelouch is sure it will be sweet and delicious, and he really doesn't want it; what he wants is to be alone with Suzaku, because that's all he needs - a moment alone with him and he's sure, _he's sure he can..._

Suzaku wears a friendly mask. He leans forward, props an elbow on the table, and rests his chin in his palm, and he's adorable even after all these years. There's that tightness in the corners of his eyes that shows he's hiding something, though.

They are silent for the first few minutes. Lelouch glances around the room, unsure of what to do now that he has the opportunity to do whatever he wants. The house is immaculately kept, he notices; not a thing out of place. It's clean and cozy and_ how is that possible because Suzaku lives there and Suzaku's bedroom always looks like a bomb went off unless Lelouch comes over to tidy things up._

"It's a beautiful house," he says.

Suzaku beams. "It's not much." Self-deprecating as always; he still hasn't learned how to take a comment. Lelouch is glad that hasn't changed about him, though. "But it's home. I never gave you a tour, did I?" Lelouch shakes his head and Suzaku stands from the table, already chattering away happily. "Well, obviously this is the dining room. And right there is the living room. We just got the flat-screen a few months ago, Luana was so excited."

Lelouch tries to look interested as he's led through the kitchen, and then the spare room that's used as an office. Suzaku only points to Luana's bedroom with a finger held over his smiling lips. Lelouch smiles as well, but his is more bitter, and they finally arrive at the master bedroom.

"Like I said, it isn't really much.." Suzaku scratches his arm self-consciously as Lelouch ventures further into the bedroom than is appropriate. Suzaku is far too polite to ask Lelouch to leave, though, and Lelouch uses that bit of knowledge to his advantage as he takes in the four-poster bed and other furnishings of the room.

"What is this?" Lelouch's voice is quiet, strangely devoid of emotion. He stands beside the desk holding up a gold picture frame, staring down at two boys who never imagined anything could tear them apart. The air grows warmer as Suzaku comes to stand beside him, taking the frame in his own hands.

"You know you'll always be family, Lelouch." Suzaku catches his gaze, and it's sorrow - that emotion he hadn't been able to identify before.

Sorrow. Regret. Just like him, Suzaku has...

Lelouch kisses him deeply.


	9. Someone Like You, Part 4

_Lawli: Thank you to rkemy, atheist1, MakenshiCrona, Ni-chan9, Sei, luckless-is-me for reviewing the last chapter. :)_

_Just an early warning, the next chapter will be M-rated. But for now I think we're still safe with T. ^^_

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything._

* * *

><p><em>The truth is, he loved him once –<br>__An impossible, passionate love, like in the movies._

_The truth is, he never stopped thinking about him –_  
><em>Not a single night went by where he didn't dream things were different.<em>

_No matter how wrong they were for each other,  
><em>_how poisonous their relationship was,  
><em>_how much he tried and tried to hate everything about him –  
><em>_The truth is, it's impossible to forget your first love._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 09<strong>**  
>Someone Like You, Part 4<br>**"Nothing compares, no worries or cares  
>Regrets and mistakes they're memories made"<em>

Because they happen frequently, Suzaku thinks it's just another dream.

So when Lelouch kisses him, Suzaku lets him. Suzaku groans, clutches Lelouch to him like it's a dream come true, as if ten years haven't passed and led them down opposing roads in life. There's a voice in his head that tells him this is wrong, that he needs to stop, but there's a desire inside of him he didn't even know he had anymore – a passion he long thought dead – and that is what wins out, that is what allows Lelouch to back him up against the desk.

Their hands explore each other. It's been ten years and so much has changed but remains the same. Lelouch is still thin and fragile and trembles when Suzaku's hands touch his skin, and Suzaku still loves the feel of his lips as they travel down his neck.

He's had this dream before. This very same dream, wherein Lelouch takes him right here against the desk – and it's a glorious and beautiful reunion, and there's no outside life or children or people to impress, only him and Lelouch and a promise to be together forever. It's the same as always; there's no denying subconscious desire and there's no harm in letting it play out. In the morning he'll be sticky and yearning and ashamed of himself, but right now...

He gasps as Lelouch gropes him, palms the front of his pants with a knowing gleam in his violet eyes. The friction has never felt that real before. Lelouch's breath on his neck is hot, his body against Suzaku's own a greater weight than usual.

There's sound filtering in from the next room. A lullaby CD – Luana still likes falling asleep to music – _the itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout._..

Lelouch's hand slips into his pants. Suzaku's breath catches in his throat.

Euphie is singing along, giggling, _"down came the rain and washed the spider out..."_

Suzaku can't do this. He can't, he can't but he _wants to_ and that's what makes things even worse. He loves it when Lelouch touches him, he's thought about it in his dreams and this isn't a dream, he knows that now; it's real and it feels amazing but it_ can't_–

"Lelouch, what are you doing?"

"You've missed me, haven't you?"

Lelouch gives an insistent squeeze.

Yes – _God_,_ yes,_ _he's missed him so much_ –

"Of course, but-!"

-but_ no!_ He has Euphemia and Luana and the life that he always wanted, and that's all he needs, that's all he's ever needed. A normal, respectable life with a beautiful family he loves. He doesn't want anything more than that; he barely deserves this as it is and he has no right to ask for anything else, and_ how dare Lelouch force himself back into Suzaku's life like this?_

"Lelouch, we _can't_-" Suzaku tries to convey his desire for Lelouch to stop, but Lelouch either chooses not to notice or it isn't there to begin with. Suzaku doesn't have time to wonder which is the case, because Lelouch is already kissing him again, demanding, and as much as Suzaku wants to resist, the feeling - the familiarity, the passion with which Lelouch kisses him makes his head spin and lose focus.

When they pull apart Suzaku's breathing is labored, vision hazy. Lelouch brings one of Suzaku's hands to his lips and takes a finger into his mouth, and Suzaku feels a twitch of excitement that he knows he shouldn't.

Isn't it enough to just be friends? Suzaku wouldn't have minded, Suzaku is the one who's tried to make that happen. He'll always love Lelouch and he does want him in his life. But not like this, it can't be like this and now that he knows Lelouch won't stop unless Suzaku changes his mind – now that Suzaku knows the extent of his own desire, how it won't take much for Lelouch to break down his defenses if he tries hard enough –

Suzaku's eyes widen at the sight of something gold between Lelouch's teeth. He's furious when Lelouch turns his head and casually spits the wedding ring on the floor .

It can never work. They can't go back to the way things were before. He was naïve to think maybe there was a chance at re-establishing their friendship.

It's better to be angry. To hate him. And he does hate him, in that moment, for shattering that hope. For coming here and daring to touch him that way, in Suzaku's own room, with his daughter sleeping on the other side of the wall –

Suzaku shoves him away, doesn't even blink when Lelouch hits the floor and certainly doesn't offer to help him back up.

Euphemia opens the door.**_  
><em>**


	10. Someone Like You, Part 5

_Lawli: Thank you to** xRiikox, FwoopaDoaks, luckless-is-me, MackenshiCrona, Shiai10, Ni-chan9** for reviewing!_

_Hey you know in R2 when everyone hated Suzaku?__...Yeah. That's like this chapter._

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

_Warnings: M-rated chapter. MxF. Tried to be as tactful as possible, but it's still sex and voyeurism._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 10<strong>**  
>Someone Like You, Part 5<br>**"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?  
><em>_Never mind.  
>I'll find someone like you."<em>

"Has Lelouch gone home already?"

It's completely wrong, on so many levels...

But he pulls her into his arms.

"Yes. He left after you took Luana up to bed."

It's unfair to Euphemia, who melts against him the moment he kisses her, blissfully unaware of their audience, and it's a terribly cruel thing to do to Lelouch, who's had just enough time to curl up in the narrow space between the armoire and the mahogany desk where only minutes ago he'd had Suzaku pinned, his violet eyes wide and horrified but unable to look away. But he's not the good little boy he used to be – the one who liked to sit with Lelouch on a park bench and listen to him read, the one who would jump at his every command and who promised eternity – and so Suzaku just grins and slides his palms up Euphemia's thighs, relishing in the growing dread on Lelouch's face when his fingers slip past her underwear and into her.

She quivers against him, breath hitching as she calls out his name. Her hands are clasped around his shoulders, grasping fistfuls of his shirt as his fingers deftly rub against her, in and out, in and out until she's moaning and arching against him in a very unladylike way. He kisses her forcefully, more roughly than he's ever been with her and she loves it, he can tell by the way her eyes roll back slightly before fluttering closed and –  
><em><br>"You fucked her, didn't you?"_

Suzaku's eyes snap back open, angry he would think of that now at all times. _Yes I fucked her and I'll fuck her again, I'll fuck her again and again before I ever think about touching you –_

Suzaku tastes copper. But it's okay, because despite the little, pained squeak Euphemia's tongue is now in his mouth and it doesn't matter that her lip is bleeding.

Lelouch is shaking, but he's managed to tear his eyes away, now staring resolutely ahead, and Suzaku can't have that. The whole point of this is to teach Lelouch a lesson.

He removes his fingers from Euphemia and brings them to his mouth, and both she and Lelouch gape at him.

They fall to the bed, and it isn't long before Suzaku has Euphemia's dress off. He purposefully tosses it in Lelouch's direction and even smiles at him as Euphemia unclasps the buckle of his pants and slides them down his thighs.

It's all very quick after that. Euphemia's legs are wrapped around his waist as he pounds into her, her back arching off the mattress as she cries out. He grunts and brings his mouth down on her – to her lips, her neck, her breasts – and all the while his eyes never leave Lelouch.

Lelouch is a sight to behold on any occasion, Suzaku must begrudgingly admit. He's beautiful when he's standing tall with his shoulders squared and his gaze burning defiantly. He's beautiful when he's curled against Suzaku, whimpering, bringing the needle to his arm. He's beautiful when he has Suzaku trapped against the desk and kisses him hungrily. But right now...

Right now Lelouch's eyes are glazed over with a combination of hatred and ecstasy, and he strokes himself fervidly. There's shame in the curl of his lip but also an undeniable pleasure as his back hunches and he works faster, hand moving in time with Suzaku's thrusts. Tears stain his cheeks and Suzaku loves the sight of them, would love even more to lean forward and lick them away because_ this is what you get, you son of a bitch, this is what you get and you deserve every moment of it._

Euphemia cries out, walls clenching around him and Suzaku doesn't think to pull out of her as he comes.

Lelouch clasps a hand over his mouth, but it isn't enough to muffle the low keening of Suzaku's name.

There's a long silence, during which Euphemia turns her head to the side and is disturbed to see her half-brother cowering in the corner of her and her husband's bedroom, hand down his pants, face flushed and sweaty and inconsolably betrayed.

"L-Lelouch..."

It takes a moment, but Lelouch manages to school his expression into cool indifference and rise to his feet as if nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. Suzaku's heart feels heavy – but why should he feel guilty? After what Lelouch has dared to do, in his own home, with his own wife and child in the next room, he should be nothing but satisfied by the outcome of this because _you deserved it! You deserve it and don't look at me like that, you know you did!_

Lelouch zips up his pants, smoothens out the wrinkles in his shirt, and silently leaves the bedroom.

Suzaku watches him go, throat suddenly dry and tears stinging his eyes, and hates himself.

* * *

><p><em>Lawli: How about some trivia to lighten the mood? XD<em>

**_What movie inspired the scene above?_**  
><em>HINT - it stars Robert Pattinson (and its not Twilight)! <em>


	11. One & Only, Part 3

_Lawli: Thank you to** kya, luckless-is-me, ni-chan9, irmina, Atheist1, Yukimi, Future X13, xxlinamariexx, Blind Writer **for reviewing!_

_The answer to the trivia from last chapter is the movie "Little Ashes". It's kind of an unheard-of movie. But its really good. I recommend it. :) http:/ www. youtube .com/watch?v=eOwjfPJEwxc (link to the trailer)._

_So. It may be hard to believe from this fic, but I really do love Suzaku. He's my favorite CG character. lol_

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 11<strong>**  
>One &amp; Only, Part 3<strong>_

"I dare you to let me be your one and only.  
>Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms.<br>So come on and give me a chance  
>to prove I am the one who can walk that mile<br>until the end starts"

_It's early February when Lelouch breaks their routine. He still arrives at the park at their usual time, at their usual spot, only he doesn't come alone. Suzaku approaches curiously._

_"This is Nunnally," Lelouch introduces the small girl seated beside him on the park bench. She's bundled up in a pink coat, with matching gloves and earmuffs. "She's my little sister. You better be nice to her." There's a threat in his voice that Suzaku takes very seriously._

_"Hello," she greets cheerfully, eyes alight as she thrusts a hand in his direction. She has Lelouch's eyes._

_Suzaku smiles and takes her hand gently in his own. "It's nice to meet you. You wanna play?"_

_It's been months and he still hasn't managed to get Lelouch to agree to a game of soccer. Nunnally, on the other hand, is thrilled by the invitation and jumps up excitedly. Soon they're running to the open, snow-blanketed field._

_Lelouch stays on the park bench, having not been invited, and glowers at Suzaku. There's an oblivious grin on the boy's face as he kicks the ball to Nunnally, the simple acceptance of the game making him happier than Lelouch can ever remember Suzaku being with him. There's an odd twinge in the pit of his stomach. Lelouch doesn't want to label it jealousy, even if that's what it is._

_So he picks the fight this time around. When Suzaku jogs over to attempt pulling him out onto the field, Lelouch is already standing, hands on his hips and nose in the air. "I saw the way you were looking at her."_

_Nunnally's a pretty girl, with pretty long hair and an endearing smile. Some boys their age already have girlfriends, and Lelouch doesn't want Suzaku getting ideas. And maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with Nunnally – who is really the one guilty of looking at Suzaku in a certain way, not that Lelouch would ever accuse her of anything, especially not that, because she will always be too young in his eyes._

_Suzaku's face mirrors his honest confusion. "L-like what?"_

_"You know exactly like what." Only he doesn't, Lelouch knows he doesn't; he doubts thoughts like that have ever crossed Suzaku's mind. Frivolous things like sports and not failing his Language Arts midterm occupy his head; he could never understand the deep, mixed feelings of Lelouch's heart._

_"Lelouch," Suzaku flounders, unsure of what he is guilty of but still trying to right whatever wrong he's apparently made. "I wasn't – I mean, I wouldn't—"_

_"Good. Because you'll never be good enough for her. So don't even try."_

_Suzaku understands that. His eyes widen; he's hurt, but he says nothing to defend himself. It's another of his odd, infuriating personality traits; he doesn't think very highly of himself. Lelouch's heart clenches._

_Later, he slides a hand over Suzaku's._

_"I'm sorry," he whispers. His throat is dry. It has been bothering him all evening. Suzaku has been quiet ever since the remark was made, quietly accepting his unworthiness. "You_ are_ good enough for Nunnally. I just..."_

_He grips Suzaku's hand tighter, earning a perplexed look. He's adorable and he doesn't even realize it, the slight tilt of his head reminding Lelouch of a puppy, and Lelouch hates that he feels this way, doesn't know how to explain to Suzaku (or even himself) the intense desire to pull the boy impossibly close until they are one person, inseparable, and never let him go. As always he falls back on anger, pinches his lips and glares at Suzaku. "I just want you to belong to me, okay? So... so you don't need to look at anyone else."_

_For a long while there is only silence. And then Suzaku hugs him. Lelouch forgets how to breathe as those strong arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer._

_"Lelouch." Suzaku speaks against his ear, breath warm and sending shivers down Lelouch's spine. "I'll always be yours. You don't have to worry about that."_


	12. Set Fire to the Rain, Part 3

_Lawli: Thank you to** everyone who reviewed!**_ _I would personally thank each of you, but as it I'm late for work. Sorry. But you know who you are and that I love you for taking the time to review this fic!_

_This chapter: More Suzaku, king of empty promises! Also a warning for some boyxboy. Nothing explicit though. _

_Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. _

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 12<br>_****_Set Fire to the Rain, Part 3_**

_"When laying with you, I could stay there  
><em>_Close my eyes  
><em>_Feel you here forever  
><em>_You and me together, nothing gets better"_

_He doesn't know what to expect when he enters their apartment, and to be honest he's afraid to set foot inside. Lelouch will be angry. Furious. He'll take it out on Suzaku, as if there is anything Suzaku could have done._

_He wouldn't have done anything, even if he could. Lelouch… isn't dependable anymore. She'll always be the one he loves most, and he'll always put her before anyone else; but it's not a person that Nunnally needs to compete against for her brother's attention anymore, and Lelouch is powerless to stop the cravings once they start. They've all seen it. The way he shakes, sweats… the way his mind no longer works as it used to, the way he has to drop everything and suddenly run out of the room, taking no heed of anyone else._

_Nunnally needs so much care. She's not getting it here. Suzaku wishes it could be any other way – wishes he didn't have to work three jobs because Lelouch can't work anymore, wishes he could be there to take care of Nunnally because Lelouch can't anymore, at least not properly. He wishes they could be a family, just the three of them, like when they were children. He yearns so badly for those simpler times._

_They took Nunnally away that morning, amidst the sound of Lelouch's screams._

_It's Suzaku's fault. He knows this. If not for him..._

_Suzaku twists the doorknob and steps inside._

_Maybe he's hoping Lelouch will hate him now. Maybe he feels as if he deserves Lelouch's wrath. Maybe that's why he's returned home so soon._

_He finds Lelouch in their bedroom, curled into a little ball on the floor. He looks up when Suzaku closes the door, his violet eyes wide and glassy. Suzaku notices the glass vial several feet away just before Lelouch speaks._

_Lelouch isn't angry with him. Lelouch is already gone._

_"Suzaku," he breathes, pulling himself up to sit on all fours. His eyes roam over Suzaku's body, lips pulling downward. "You're not wearing a coat. What have I told you about the cold?"_

_Suzaku doesn't say anything, only crosses the room to sit heavily on the bed._

_"Suzaku... What's wrong?" Suzaku closes his eyes. "Is it your father...?"_

_"No, Lelouch," he says quickly, not wanting to bring up bad memories of the past. At this point Suzaku has a pretty clear idea of where Lelouch's mind is at, a suspicion confirmed when Lelouch crawls over to the bed and kneels before him and Suzaku notices the blush creeping across his cheeks._

_Lelouch doesn't meet his gaze. "If it's about yesterday..." He doesn't say he's sorry - Lelouch has always been too proud for that – but there is a note of apology in his voice. "I didn't – I mean. If you don't... you know..."_

_Suzaku smiles, amused that Lelouch's subconscious would go back to this time. Why was that?_

_"Lelouch." Lelouch stops his rambling and looks up. The blush on his face darkens as Suzaku takes his face in his hands and pulls him closer. "I do. I have, for five years."_

_Lelouch's brows furrow, Suzaku's words clearly not making sense to him. They don't, of course. Lelouch thinks they're fourteen again. It doesn't matter, Suzaku decides, and seals Lelouch's lips in a gentle kiss. It's the exact response he gave all those years ago. Nothing has changed._

I love you.

_Or maybe it has._

_Suzaku's eyes widen as Lelouch crawls onto the bed, straddling him and pushing him onto his back – and he was never that forward when he was younger so what is going on? They're still kissing but it's deeper now; Lelouch's tongue is in his mouth, tasting him. Suzaku hears a faint noise and it takes a moment for his brain to register it as his own moan. Suzaku blushes, then gasps as he feels Lelouch's hands on him, one sliding up his shirt and the other dipping down under the waistband of his shorts._

_"Lelouch, what're you—"_

_"Please, Suzaku." Suzaku can feel Lelouch's lips against his throat, and then something wet. Tears. Lelouch is crying. "I don't...I don't know know what's wrong with me."_

_Lelouch is trembling now, and just looking at him makes Suzaku's heart break because _I did this, I did this to you, oh, God, Lelouch, I'm so sorry...

_"My heart hurts. I feel as if something terrible has happened and I just... Please don't push me away right now." He wraps his arms around Suzaku and just lays against him. "I don't want you to ever let me go."_

_For a long while Suzaku stares up at the ceiling, unsure of what to do. Even if they've sort-of been together for years, they've never gone all the way. But Lelouch isn't looking to just fool around, and the way he's taken to kissing down Suzaku's neck suggests he won't be satisfied with the comfort of Suzaku just holding him. Suzaku swallows, arms encircling Lelouch's shoulders._

_He does love Lelouch. More than anything in the world, he loves him, and he wants to make it up to him. For the loss of Nunnally, for the pain he's feeling now even under the influence of Refrain – that hole in his heart that Suzaku may as well have carved out himself… Suzaku will do anything Lelouch asks if it will take his pain away._

_"I won't," Suzaku promises, as he switches their positions and leans in to kiss him. "I won't let you go, Lelouch."_


	13. Rolling in the Deep

_Lawli: Sorry for the wait!_

* * *

><p><em><strong><span>Fragment 13<span>  
>Rolling in the Deep<br>**__"See how I'll leave with every piece of you.  
><em>_Don't underestimate the things that I will do."_

From his place at Euphemia's side, Suzaku can only gape as the double doors to the hotel ballroom swing open to reveal the last person he would ever expect to see at a Britannia Corporation benefit dinner.

Lelouch Lamperouge, donned in a form-fitting black suit that looks designer and lavender tie, sashays into the room as if he owns it, all charming smiles and flippant hand gestures as he acknowledges other bewildered guests and laughs by way of explaining his presence among them.

"The prodigal's son returns," Schneizel Britannia - Vice President of Britannia Corporation and half-brother to Lelouch - says, amused by the very same turn of events Suzaku finds horrifying.

Euphemia stiffens and Suzaku chances a glance down at her. It's been four months but he knows the image of Lelouch, flushed and impassioned and utterly betrayed, still haunts her. He still feels sick whenever he remembers it.

"Lelouch is always full of surprises," Euphemia remarks, her voice quiet. She turns to Suzaku expectantly but doesn't quite meet his eye. "Did you know about this?"

Suzaku's eyes harden after the initial shock. "Why would I?"

Not oblivious to the change in her husband's mood, Euphemia places a hand on his arm. She doesn't say anything and for that he's grateful. The air around him almost cackles as he finally catches Lelouch's gaze; he's seething, almost hissing like a cat defending its territory as Lelouch begins to approach.

"You were always his partner-in-crime," Schneizel points out what Euphemia politely refused to.

Suzaku's hands clench at his sides, and Euphemia squeezes his arm more tightly as if to reassure him that everything was fine. He shakes his head because she's wrong; there's nothing _fine_about this - nothing has been fine since that day.

"That was a long time ago."

With that, Suzaku excuses himself, ignoring his wife's call for him to wait and brusquely passing by Lelouch without even a word of acknowledgement -

- but not without noticing Lelouch raise an elegant hand to his collar and give it a gentle upward tug.

It's been years since Suzaku has seen the code gesture but it's meaning remains just as fresh in his memory as if he used it only yesterday.

_Meet me on the roof._

Lelouch smiles, then all Suzaku sees is his back as he turns away to strike up idle conversation with a nearby couple.

Suzaku's mind reels. He tries to piece together the puzzle that is Lelouch - calling to mind with a shudder the fervid urgency with which they'd kissed against the desk, the shock and rage on Lelouch's face when Suzaku gave the very clear message that he wanted nothing to do with the past or with any future Lelouch thought they still had together, fucking Euphemia more roughly than he'd ever dared before because he wanted Lelouch to feel that pain, and finally the frightening calm with which Lelouch left the house after that.

This is his life. Suzaku takes a deep breath and a flute of champagne from the nearest waiter. Euphemia, Luana... his_family;_they are his future, the only ones he needs to concern himself with. The past few months have been strained, they've each felt it. Euphemia hasn't let him lay a hand on her since that night. But she's always been one who can forgive and Suzaku is counting on that, he needs her forgiveness and her welcoming arms. He needs for them to be a loving family again, and he knows they can be. They're taking steps towards that, and all Suzaku needs to do is stay on that path. Let Lelouch be someone else's problem.

... Only Suzaku can't, because Suzaku remembers pressing a syringe to Lelouch's arm, whispering "trust me" against a fevered brow as the toxic liquid rushed into Lelouch's veins and they both forgot the misery in their lives.

He meets Lelouch on the rooftop.

Lelouch stands against the guardrail overlooking the city, expression pensive. When the door slams he turns, but there's no anger in his eyes as Suzaku expected there to be.

"Why are you here," Suzaku asks, not approaching as Lelouch's beckoning glance invites him to. Amethyst eyes are provacative as always and instantly spark a desire in him that Suzaku can't deny, but he does not succumb to his weakness as he did four months ago. They are not children anymore. Things have changed, irreparably this time; this isn't seven years ago and he doesn't share in Lelouch's refrain-laced dreams.

Lelouch's thin lips stretch into a smile. "Such a face," he comments, pushing away from the railing and taking several steps towards Suzaku instead. He stops when only an arm's length separates them, and because he knows it would mean defeat Suzaku remains defiantly still rather than retreating backwards like he wants to.

Being this close to Lelouch, with those violet eyes appraising him so, makes Suzaku's hair stand on end. Lelouch's gaze is sharp now, unforgiving. This isn't the Lelouch he knows anymore; the sad boy from the park who used to hold his hand and read to him is gone and in his place is a man is who does not believe in childhood innocence, even if he escapes to it every day.

"Is that any way to speak to your boss?"

Suzaku falters, sees the triumphant gleam in Lelouch's eyes, and clenches his fist. He can't bring himself to ask what Lelouch is talking about. He hopes that maybe if he ignores the declaration it won't be true; maybe if he closes hiseyes he'll suddenly wake up from a nightmare.

But he doesn't. All that happens is Lelouch reaches out and straightens his tie.

"Still haven't learned how to do it yourself, I see." Lelouch chuckles, pats Suzaku's chest affectionately. "They'll be announcing it soon. And when they do, I want you there. Cheering me on. You're my best friend, aren't you? You should be happy my father offered me such a good job, where we'll get to spend so much time together."

Suzaku breathes shallowly, mind racing as he tries to process what is being said. It doesn't make any sense. Lelouch... hates his father, never wanted anything to do with the company before, _so why_..?

"I promised Euphie I'd keep an eye on you, too. She's noticed you haven't quite been yourself lately."

_Euphie..?_

Lelouch and Euphemia... they'd spoken since that day? Why would she keep that secret from him?

_"Did you know about this?"_She knew Lelouch would show up and she hadn't said anything.

Lelouch's hand cups his cheek and Suzaku finally jerks back. "You..." There's so much he wants to say, but words are failing him. He can't believe this is happening. "Are you blackmailing me?"

"Well that doesn't sound very nice, does it?"

Lelouch smiles. Suzaku feels nauseous. "I just want you to remember that promise you made all those years ago." He doesn't pull away when Lelouch grabs his chin. "You said you'd always be mine."

_Why?_

It's the only coherent thought in his mind. Amidst the rage (_why is he doing this to me?)_ and self-pity (_why me?_) there is confusion. He searches Lelouch's eyes but remains in the dark; he doesn't understand. Especially now, after what happened that day with Euphemia, Suzaku doesn't understand how Lelouch can still look at him like this. It's darkened with anger and other dangerous things, but that love, that passion of ten years ago still remains. It's inside of him, too. And Suzaku doesn't know why.

But he goes back inside.

He stands next to Euphemia and knows then the betrayal Lelouch must have felt while watching him fuck her. She reaches for him - it's the first time she's tried to touch him in a way that isn't a reassuring squeeze of the hand - but he's the one to brush away the advance, to turn his head so the kiss she aims for his lips can only brush his cheek.

They announce Lelouch as the head of the Engineering Department not long after that. Everyone claps politely, Suzaku included. There's nothing else he can do.

Lelouch's eyes scan the crowd and settle on him, and in that instant Suzaku knows the answers to all his previous questions. The truth is blazing in Lelouch's eyes, very much apparent in the victorious grin on his face.

_You're going to wish you never had met me._


	14. One & Only, Part 4

_Lawli: -_- I should just stop apologizing. No matter what I do I always end up procrastinating..._

_Warnings: None really for this chapter, except maybe.. implied child-abuse? _

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 14<br>_****_One & Only, Part 5  
><em>**_"I know it ain't easy giving up your heart"_

_Lelouch doesn't comment on the black eye. He figures Suzaku got into a fight at school (because apparently Lelouch is the only boy Suzaku acts shy and gentle around; with all the others he's prone to rough brawls – they pick on him and Suzaku defends himself). Rather than watch Suzaku jump onto the bench and animatedly reenact the battle, amusing though it might be, complete with blows to invisible attackers and all, Lelouch disregards it entirely. Suzaku isn't grinning triumphantly as would indicate he won, so Lelouch assumes it is best not to even mention it._

_They sit together in silence for a long time, Suzaku oddly withdrawn with his legs held up to his chest and chin resting on his knees. He looks alarmingly vulnerable. Lelouch suppresses the desire to reach out and pat his hair._

(" I don't see what's so bad about your father."

The remark surprises Lelouch, because they rarely talk about their parents. )

_He reads aloud from his book – Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, one of Suzaku's favorites – for what seems like hours but can't really be that long because he only manages to get through one chapter. The sun begins to set and his eyes strain in the oncoming darkness, but because Suzaku is still quiet he continues._

_"Lelouch," Suzaku whispers only after night as fallen and Lelouch reluctantly closes the book, unable to make out the small print any longer._

_Lelouch's voice is equally soft when he replies, tender in a way he usually reserves for Nunnally. "What is it, Suzaku?"_

_It's a shock when Suzaku falls against him. Suzaku is younger than him by several months but he weighs a lot more than Lelouch, who's always been on the smaller side, and as a result they almost both collapse on the bench. Lelouch manages to catch himself on his elbow and bring them up again, but Suzaku still huddles against him, burying his face in Lelouch's neck in a way that would have been wonderful had his face not been wet with tears._

("I mean... I wish my dad would leave me alone."

Lelouch rolls his eyes. Sometimes he thinks Suzaku has no idea what he's saying.

("You're an idiot." )

_He doesn't ask Suzaku what happened, and Suzaku doesn't tell him. But that night Suzaku doesn't go home._

(Suzaku smiles, but it's sad. "I guess so.")


	15. Set Fire to the Rain, Final

_Lawli: Oh my, how quick was this update! :D Shocking, eh? Well the next two chapters are already written so they'll be up soon too._

_It's been a while since I thanked my reviewers. THANKS TO **fra, Ni-chan9, Flesh Is Yummy, luckless-is-me,** and** nachan** FOR REVIEWING, and thanks to everyone else who has been reading along._

_Warnings: drug use._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 15<br>_****_Set Fire to the Rain, Part 4  
><em>**_"Let it burn"_

_They threaten Lelouch with detentions, suspensions, even having to repeat the year, but Lelouch refuses to return to school the first three weeks after the car accident. It's too late for Marianne – despite the doctors' best efforts they weren't able to save her, she already lost too much blood before the EMTs arrived – but there's still a chance for Nunnally and until she wakes up he's not leaving the hospital._

_Doctors say it doesn't look good. Her legs were crushed from the impact, and she received severe trauma to the skull. It's likely she'll never walk again, if she ever wakes up. In this condition, Nunnally's fate is left in the hands of her living parent, and Charles Britannia hasn't even visited her once. The doctors tell Lelouch he should say his good-byes._

_Lelouch won't accept that._

_Suzaku comes every day during proper visiting hours; sits beside Lelouch, holding his hand while Lelouch talks to Nunnally, reads to her, sings to her – anything to try and awaken her. There are bags under Lelouch's eyes, it's clear he hasn't had a proper night's sleep this whole time and Suzaku has to wonder how the hospital staff allows this to continue. At this rate Suzaku knows he won't just be losing one good friend, and the idea of losing Lelouch pains him far too much to dwell on for very long._

_"You really should go home, Lelouch. Go back to school."_

_Lelouch shakes his head furiously. "I can't. I won't leave her like this. Until she wakes up—"_

_"But Lelouch- " (don't say it; don't say it) "-what if she doesn't?"_

_It's a reality they have to face, but to Lelouch it's not even an option. Suzaku holds his stinging cheek, and Lelouch refuses to meet his eyes. He doesn't tell Suzaku to go, but Suzaku can tell he's no longer wanted._

_He knows he has to do something. To get Lelouch away from here, to make Lelouch forget about all the bad things, if only for a little while…_

_Two months later Nunnally is still in a coma, but she's stable. They've since transferred her back home, along with the machine keeping her alive. A live-in nurse is the newest addition to the family, constantly monitoring Nunnally's vitals, and Lelouch has gone from occupying her bedside constantly at the hospital to being allowed only an hour-long visit daily._

_It makes him furious, and it hasn't done anything to improve his physical health. He looks thinner than Suzaku last remembers, his eyes red-rimmed with sleep deprivation and his hair greasy. He barely looks at Suzaku when he enters his bedroom._

_"What do you want?"_

_"Nothing… Just wanted to check on you."_

_Lelouch scoffs. "Nunnally's still in a coma, what does it matter how I'm doing?"_

_Suzaku looks down at the floor. "Just because Nunnally's hurt doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself," he says. When Lelouch doesn't say anything, Suzaku takes a step into the room. "Lelouch, I'm worried about you. You have to take care of yourself, don't let this –"_

_"Why should I?" Lelouch has curled in on himself, grasping fistfuls of his hair with trembling fingers. "I don't care about me, I care about Nunnally! If I lose her, I don't have _anything_!"_

_"Yes you do, you—"_

_"You don't understand! You don't have a little sister, you don't know what it's like to have held her, and wanted to protect her, and loved her more than anything!"_

_For a long while Suzaku doesn't know what to say. He hovers several feet from the bed, unsure of what to do. There's a vial of clear liquid in his back pocket. He discovered it and the applicator in his father's sock drawer the other night, though to be honest he's known of its existence there for much longer than that._

_He's seen what it does for his father; he's watched to see how it works. He knows it can help Lelouch, if only for a little while._

_"Suzaku!" Lelouch growls as he's pinned to the bed, struggling to try and get Suzaku off of him. While a recent growth spurt has made Lelouch a few inches taller, Suzaku still remains the stronger of them and soon Lelouch finds the arm he's been pushing Suzaku away with is pinned to the bed, a syringe gun aimed at one of the veins. "S-Suzaku, what are you—"_

_"I love you, Lelouch," Suzaku says. His voice is desperate, his eyes full of such raw emotion that Lelouch can't look away from him. "You're my best friend and my… my… and I love you, and I'm not going to lose you too." Suzaku presses the syringe down harder and Lelouch wiggles underneath him. "It's going to be okay, Lulu," he promises. "Trust me."_

_There are tears in Lelouch's eyes but he's not fighting him anymore. He's relaxed under Suzaku's hold. Suzaku leans forward, pressing a kiss to Lelouch's brow the same instant his finger pulls the trigger of the syringe. Lelouch's eyes widen and he lets out a little sob, and then his expression glazes over._

_"This will help you forget."_


	16. Rumor Has It

_Lawli: And the chapters just keep coming! This chapter has pretty much been written since August, actually. That's how far in advance I was planning it. Lelouch's revenge needed to be THAT EPIC. He is terrible, just terrible and I enjoyed writing every second of it._

_This is also the second song that really inspired this fic (the first song being 'Someone Like You'). I mean... the entire song pretty much IS Lelouch's revenge anthem. In this universe, anyways. I highly recommend listening to it before/after/while reading the chapter._

_THANKS TO... **luckless-is-me, Ni-chan9, Eien-Kiseki, cheesetomacaroni**... FOR REVIEWING! _

_Enjoy~!_

_(AND OMG CAN WE TRY TO HIT 100 REVIEWS THIS CHAPTER? Cause that would be pretty cool... ;D )_

_Warnings: MxM sex/implied sex. As always, I've tried to be tasteful about it. ^-^ Still, you've been warned._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 16<em>**  
><strong><em>Rumor Has It<br>_**_"Bless your soul, you got your head in the clouds  
><em>_you made a fool out of me and, boy, I'm bringing you down"_

_"Brilliant, isn't he?"_

_"I didn't know what to expect, what with all the rumors, but... well, he's really something."_

_"That's Lelouch for you. If he puts his mind to something there's no stopping him."_

* * *

><p>Lelouch doesn't leave his office often. He's a surprisingly diligent worker when he wants to be, but he does keep to a schedule and it doesn't take long to learn what it is. After the first two days of merely observing Suzaku gets his first opportunity to slip inside, right around two-o-clock when Lelouch has gone to refill his coffee. He drinks a lot of coffee, Suzaku notices – a habit he must have picked up to offset his other little bad habit.<p>

The habit that is Suzaku's reason for being there, in Lelouch's office alone without anyone's knowledge. He knows Lelouch is still using, never mind all the bullshit about turning over a new leaf. All he needs to find is proof enough to get him fired, and then Lelouch won't get the chance to destroy his life completely like Suzaku knows he's planning to. The nightmare will finally end.

It's a tidy little office, not a thing out of place or even a speck of dust to complain about. There's a bullshit motivational poster about courage on the wall that Suzaku recognizes from his own office, and he has the sudden, intense desire to trash the place. Thrown Lelouch's belongings off the neat little bookshelves, tear the drawers out from the desk. But he can't leave any evidence of having been there.

He has exactly five minutes to search before Lelouch returns. He doesn't find anything, but he comes back the next day at exactly the same time and searches again, and again the day after that.

Suzaku knows Lelouch is still using because sometimes he shakes, or gets angry and shouts about the most trivial of things, and then not even an hour later he'll be perfectly fine, smiling and striking up a conversation with the cute secretary who's enamored with him. He can tell because sometimes Lelouch locks eyes with him, and smiles a little bit – victorious, gloating, _you'll never guess where it is_.

Suzaku knows Lelouch is still using.

But he never finds anything.

* * *

><p>At the end of the first week, Lelouch offers to take him to lunch. Suzaku is instantly suspicious, warily searching the charming smile and earnest violet eyes for any sign of deceit. Nothing Lelouch has done with his life thus far has proven him a trustworthy person and Suzaku would be foolish to start believing in him now, but nevertheless he accepts the invitation.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Did you know? They used to be best friends."<em>

_"…was supposed to be best man at the wedding!"_

_"—heard they were lovers before—"_

_"—caught him cheating."_

_"At least, that's what I've heard."_

* * *

><p>"What are these," Suzaku asks, indicating the stack of resumes at the right-hand corner of Lelouch's immaculate desk.<p>

Lelouch takes a sip of his coffee, his other hand continuing to type as he answers – all the while never looking up from the computer screen. "Resumes."

Frowning, Suzaku sets the final revisions of their newest project on the desk for Lelouch's approval. "We're hiring?" he wonders, curious. He hasn't heard anything about this, and he's tempted to reach out and start reading through the papers. At the top of the stack is a familiar name: Gino Weinberg, a rising star in the architectural engineering world. Suzaku begins to feel the cloying of apprehension at the back of his mind.

"Just a bit of spring cleaning, actually," Lelouch says with a little smile, even though it's the middle of December. There's a sheen of sweat along his brow. He pauses in his typing every so often to shake out his hands, and Suzaku wonders how long its been since his last fix. Lelouch takes another quick sip of his coffee, makes a face as if it's gone cold. "We may need replacements come the New Year."

* * *

><p>It's a small restaurant, intimate, and they're seated in a back corner with low lighting. Suzaku hates to admit Lelouch looks good in his cardigan and skinny tie, the candlelight cast alluring shadows across his aristocratic features; but he does and, damn it, Suzaku just got caught staring.<p>

At one point Lelouch's fingertips brush against his own and Suzaku doesn't think it's an accident, even with the way Lelouch laughs and plays it off as only reaching for the wine menu…

But then they're holding hands, under the table like when they were teenagers and it was some great forbidden secret, and Suzaku doesn't know how it happened or why or why in that moment he's forgotten the man across from him is _evil_ and _vindictive_ and trying to ruin him – because _this is so nice, this is so easy, Lelouch's hand is so warm and it's trembling a little bit in his own, like he's nervous, like it's they're first date all over again..._

Suzaku can't bring himself to let go.

* * *

><p><em>"Saw them at dinner together the other night!"<em>

_"A business meeting, you think?"_

_"Looked awful cozy to be something like that."_

_"—said they were holding hands and everything!"_

_ "You think they're... you know…"_

_"So the rumor goes."_

* * *

><p>Suzaku has every reason to worry for his job. Thus why he does not want to like Gino Weinberg – who is constant smiles compared to Suzaku's surly frown, holds a Master's degree from an Ivy League university compared to Suzaku's hastily-earned community college A.A., and he's outgoing and fun and, damn it, really good at what he does.<p>

And that's not even the worst of it. He's also a genuine, down-to-earth good person. The rare kind that doesn't come around too often, who smiles and jokes without any ulterior motives, asks questions because he's just honestly curious and wants to help if it's in his power to do so.

Everyone loves him, and it makes Suzaku want to hate him even more. But at the end of the day he can't say anything negative about Gino. He can't even say he doesn't like him.

* * *

><p>"We're going for drinks," Gino declares, throwing his arms around their shoulders. Lelouch and Suzaku both stare up at him, incredulous. "The three of us, tonight!"<p>

It's Suzaku who protests. He has a wife and family and it's really not appropriate, never-mind that night he went to dinner with Lelouch, which was an entirely different league of inappropriate, that no-one ever needs to find out about. He still can't properly meet Lelouch's eyes without blushing or remembering the softness of his hands. "I really don't think that's a good idea—"

"Come on!" Gino's arm tightens around Suzaku's neck. "You two need to loosen up. It'll be fun, I know this great place downtown!"

Gino ends up ditching them at the club to follow around some waitress dressed in a bunny costume, but that actually suits Suzaku and Lelouch just fine. They've long since fallen into their own little world, filled with smiles and laughter and memories of the past. Suzaku doesn't know how this keeps happening, how when they're alone he can't remember all the bad things they've done to each other, but it's no longer just each other's hands they're holding under the table and Lelouch's hands feel so good, they're so good...

* * *

><p><em>"I hear they're sleeping together."<em>

_"…trying to get a raise, you think?"_

_"His poor wife…"_

* * *

><p>Suzaku can't concentrate at work. He can't... he doesn't know why... Sometimes his vision is unfocused and he has these odd twitches in his fingers... It's still early spring so the weather's still cool, and the office is always air-conditioned, but he sweats all the time for no reason…<p>

* * *

><p>"Lelouch!" Suzaku cries out, back arching off the hard motel mattress as he comes. Lelouch slams into him – once, twice, three more times before he shudders and follows suit. They collapse against each other, breathing heavily, and for a long while they just lay like that, a tangle of limbs.<p>

Then Suzaku's arms tighten around Lelouch and pull him closer. They always have the best sex after a fight; he can't help but think with a lecherous little smile, starting to kiss down Lelouch's neck. "I love you," he says. Lelouch groans softly, tilting his head to the side, and_fuck he's beautiful, he's always been so beautiful,_ _can't believe he's really mine_. Suzaku rolls them over so he's laying on top of Lelouch. "I love you so much."

Lelouch's eyes slide open, flickering over Suzaku's features. He reaches up, cups Suzaku's face in his hands and pulls him down for a kiss. "I know," he breathes against Suzaku's mouth. Suzaku's hard again already, rubbing against Lelouch's thigh with an insistence that makes him laugh. Lelouch kisses him again, wraps his legs around Suzaku's waist, caging him. "You always will, Suzaku."

* * *

><p><em>"…said they found drugs hidden in his desk."<em>

_"Will they fire him?"_

_"He has an 'in' with the family, so I doubt it. He'll get off easy, a suspension or something 'till he cleans up his act."_

* * *

><p>Two security guards escort him from the building, each holding one of his arms. Suzaku stares down at his feet, still in shock. He doesn't understand how this could have happened.<p>

They stop abruptly by the front doors. A pair of shiny black shoes enters Suzaku's line of vision, followed by skinny legs in form-fitting black pants, a crisp gray button-down and finally Lelouch's smirking face.

It all makes sense, now.


	17. One & Only, Part 5

_Lawli: WOW great response on the last chapter! Thanks everyone! Glad you all liked Lelouch getting his revenge, haha... Suzaku kind of deserved it. _

_THANKS TO...**WishyWashyStar, luckless-is-me, madamevert, kpopmaniac615, irmina, Eien-Kiseki **(yay you picked up on my Kallen reference! ;D )**, Flesh is Yummy, shiai10, elarielf**... FOR REVIEWING!_

_Warnings: surprisingly none!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 17<em>**  
><strong><em>One and Only, Part 5<em>**  
><em>"Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close<br>and have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go"_

_He stays at the Britannia house for an entire week, and at no point does he seem to ever warm up to the new surroundings. At supper, seated between Lelouch and Nunnally, he's quiet as a mouse, speaking only when directly asked a question and hesitant in making the simplest of requests. Even at bedtime, when curled up on the mattress beside Lelouch his body is stiff and he sleeps with only a corner of the blankets, as if afraid of taking more than he's allowed._

_Lelouch tries talking to him, to bring him back out of his shell because _this isn't Suzaku_. The boy he knows is brash and loud and loves to relay stories of his day and hear Lelouch read to him at night. But he doesn't listen when Lelouch reads, and he barely answers when Lelouch asks him about school. Lelouch's offers to play outside with him even go ignored, and more than anything that is how Lelouch knows something is terribly wrong._

_But the lack of response quickly corrodes Lelouch's sympathy with anger._

_"What is your problem?" he demands one night, pushing Suzaku. Lelouch is somewhat disappointed when Suzaku's reflexes kick in just in time to keep him from tumbling down the stairs. He'd been hoping that, if Suzaku did fall, it would jar some sense back into his brain. As it is, he pushes at Suzaku's shoulders again. Suzaku's hands tighten on the railing. "Do you hate it here that much or something?"_

_Suzaku shakes his head. "That's not—"_

_"No-one's forcing you to stay here, you know! We offered to be nice. We've all been really nice and you're acting like a huge prick!"_

_Green eyes widen. "I didn't—"_

_"And if you're going to keep acting like that, I don't want you here. So... so just go home!"_

_"Lelouch!"_

_A girl stands at the base of the stairwell. She's about their age, with long pink hair and lavender eyes very similar in shape to Lelouch's own – except right now they're narrowed, angry in a way that doesn't suit her soft features. "That's no way to talk to a guest," she chastises Lelouch, whose expression changes quickly from surprise to indignation._

_"Suzaku's _my_ friend, I can talk to him however I want."_

_She looks between the two boys before quickly hurrying up the stairs and laying a hand on Suzaku's elbow. "So you're Suzaku?" she says, lips turning upward in a smile. "I've heard a lot about you. I'm so happy to finally meet you!" Suzaku gapes but doesn't pull away. He lets her lead him away from the stairs, to the playroom._

_"Euphemia!" Lelouch calls after her, glaring holes into her retreating back._

_Euphemia only giggles. "Don't mind my brother. You're welcome here as long as you like, Suzaku."_

_And Suzaku actually acknowledges her. Blushes and whispers, "thank you."_

_She brushes aside the apology with a wave of her hand. "I know!" she says, still smiling. "Let's play medieval times! I'll be the princess, and you can be the brave knight."_

_ Suzaku gives his first true smile of the week and Lelouch's heart clenches. "What about Lelouch?" he asks suddenly._

_"I don't want to play," Lelouch snaps, regretting the words instantly._

_They leave him alone in the hallway._

_Suzaku stays with the Britannia family for a week. He spends most of time with Euphemia._


	18. I Found a Boy, Part 1

_Lawli: I know the timeline of this story is all over the place, and I apologize. For the last chapter, I know one of you wanted to know about how much time passed between Suzaku meeting/becoming friends with Lelouch and him meeting Euphemia. Several months had passed. Kind of like in canon, Suzaku is struck with a bit of an instant crush on Euphie, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it love at first sight. Because they're still just children and they don't know anything about those kinds of feelings, really. But he definitely likes her as a friend, and chooses to spend his time with her rather than Lelouch because Lelouch himself chooses to be a stubborn ass - as Lelouch is often prone to, when he's feeling jealous/angry/possessive. _

_THANKS TO...**kpopmaniac615, CrimsomRed-24, Eien-Kiseki, luckless-is-me, Ni-chan9, nachan**... FOR REVIEWING!_

_I don't know if I mentioned that the last segment of "Set Fire to the Rain" was the final part of that story. Now, we move into the Suzaku & Euphemia story, how their relationship started. For timeline, you can picture this happening almost parallel to "Set Fire to the Rain". A little bit after Suzaku first gives Lelouch refrain. _

_Warnings: surprisingly none!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 18<em>**  
><strong><em>I Found a Boy, Part 1<em>**  
><em>"Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.<br>I fall short each time."_

_Lately, Lelouch has been unpredictable – docile and placated one moment, a blissful happiness Suzaku can't help but wonder at, and wildly enraged the next, throwing tantrums and making impossible demands – so Suzaku isn't sure what his reaction will be._

_That is why he decides to go to Euphemia alone._

_He meets her at the train station, a little bouquet of flowers in his hands because he knows she's the type of girl who likes such gestures. He doesn't do it to be romantic, or anything like that – because Euphemia has never been anything more than a friend, no matter what crazy accusations Lelouch used to hurl at him – but for some reason he doesn't deny the claim when she leans forward and brushes his cheek with a gentle kiss._

_"You're too sweet, Suzaku."_

_Euphemia brings the roses to her nose and inhales deeply, chest rising and falling. Suzaku can't help but notice how she's filled out. The last time he saw her in person she was an awkward pre-teen – pretty (she's always been pretty, just like Lelouch) but long-limbed and flat chested. A little girl. _

_That's not the case anymore. Suzaku actually has difficulty breathing as she pulls him to her in an embrace. It's different than the way he is affected by Lelouch's body, though he can't really describe how other than the fact that Lelouch, pretty as he is, is still a boy – sharp angles and narrow hips, delicate with his fluttering pulse and paper-thin skin but not in the same way as Euphemia, who is soft and pliant and molds to him when they embrace, as if they were truly meant to become one person. Euphemia is a woman, or at least well on her way to becoming one; she has curves and rosy cheeks and a laugh like the gentle tinkling of bells, and she's what any normal man should want._

_It's a different kind of desire than what he's used to. But it's desire all the same. _


	19. Turning Tables

_Lawli: Too tired to write good author notes..._

_Warnings: tasteful SuzakuxEuphemia_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 19<br>_****_Turning Tables  
><em>**_"God only knows what we're fighting for."_

"Refrain?" Euphemia says, aghast as she slams the phone back down on it's receiver. "_Refrain_? Suzaku, how could this happen?"

Suzaku, seated at their dinner table, doesn't look up from where his face is buried in his hands. It's useless lying to Euphemia, not only because there's no other way to explain why the company is giving him a temporary leave of absence, but also because she's his wife and she's always been able to read him well enough to know when something is wrong. He just wishes he could tell her the whole truth.

"I don't know, Euphie. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted to do was jeopardize my job."

Euphemia rushes to his side, wraps her arms around his shoulders and coaxes him to lean forward so his head is pressed against her bosom. A motherly gesture; she's always liked taking care of him. "Oh, Suzaku."

There's such pity in her voice. Suzaku thickly swallows the shame building inside of him. What is he thinking? She would never look at him like that, so concerned, or hold him so tenderly if she knew even a shred of the whole truth.

"It's you I worry about," she says. "To fall back on Refrain…"

"I haven't!" Suzaku raises his head quickly, meeting her eyes because if she believes nothing else he at least wants her to know this is true. "Euphie, I'm _not _using Refrain." Not knowingly, at least. That Lelouch managed to somehow slip it to him is frightening and disgusting to think about, completely unforgivable (though perhaps not completely unjustified, considering how Lelouch's own habit started – _no! He will not feel guilty for that treacherous, malicious snake of a man_!)

"Then how?"

"I was set up," he growls, frustrated suddenly with Euphemia and her naivety. Even now he can see she isn't convinced. She always strives to see goodness in everyone and this doesn't fit in with her rose-tinted view of the world. "Someone planted it in my desk."

She studies him for a moment, her pretty face pinched in a disapproving frown. It doesn't suit her, and Suzaku finds her repulsive in that instant. "You think it was Lelouch," she says.

He doesn't think; he _knows_. But he can't tell her how he knows, or why Lelouch would ever want to do something like that to him. They used to be best friends, and a little more than that; so close, inseparable – like brothers. That is what she believes, what he has led her to believe and there are just too many skeletons in the closet for him to start unveiling now. It would be the end. Everything he loves and has worked so hard to attain in his life would disappear.

"You know, all he wans is for you to be happy," Euphemia is saying, crossing her arms over her chest. He doesn't want to hear it. "He cares about you so much."

"Oh, I'm sure he does!" Suzaku snarls, rising to his feet so quickly it makes Euphemia jump back in surprise. Her eyes are wide, gazing up at him as if he is a stranger and maybe he is, it doesn't even matter anymore because _he doesn't want to hear it_. He doesn't want to hear how Lelouch is a brilliant man, that he's just had a rough time in his life, that he's really just a saint and he _cares_ and he _loves Suzaku so much_ and _it felt so right to be with him again, even if it wasn't completely honest, even if he can't remember all of it correctly, even if he wants to hate Lelouch for it, he'd meant it, meant every word when he said that he loved him…_

He's crying. He might be crying, he doesn't know. Doesn't understand how Lelouch has managed to turn his own wife against him, doesn't know why he wants Lelouch even still – his warm, soft hands and his mouth and just _everything_ – and he doesn't want to deal with any of this right now. He just wants everything to go back to normal. He's worked so hard to just be _normal_.

"I'm sure he cares so much, and that's why he blackmailed me, and tried to get me fired, and—" (drugged me, and took advantage of me, and _fuck Lelouch more, harder_!) He cuts off before he can say anything more damaging and slams his fist angrily on the table. "The only thing that bastard has ever cared about is himself!"

Euphemia takes a few steps back, shaking her head. Her disappointment is so obvious it makes Suzaku flush.

"I don't know what exactly happened between you two, and maybe it's none of my business… But you need to let it go." She reaches out as if to touch his arm, maternal instincts overpowering any other emotions she might be feeling. Then she changes her mind and sighs. "You're going to end up really hurting each other if you don't. And I know you'll regret it."

She does touch him now; cups his face in her hands and pulls him down for a kiss. Suzaku has the sudden memory of Lelouch doing the same thing, recently, and almost jerks away. "I know you," Euphemia says, her voice soft and affectionate. "And this angry person… he isn't you. He's not the man I fell in love with."

Suzaku wants to agree with her, that this isn't like him at all – but the truth is, he doesn't know anymore. He doesn't know which him is real and which isn't. He doesn't know if the man Euphemia fell in love with ever really existed in the first place.

He kisses her desperately, arms closing around her. He needs her to show him, to guide him back on the correct path. She leads him blindly down the hall, to their bedroom and, yes, this is what his life is supposed to be, this is what he decided all those years ago, this is all he needs…

Warm skin, a sweet mouth, a burst of pleasure—

_"I love you so much, Lelouch!"_

_This is all he needs..._

The next morning, Suzaku wakes up alone.


	20. One & Only, Part 6

_Lawli: Oh yeah, this fic... :P_

_Warnings: boys kissing._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 20<br>_****_One and Only, Part 6_**

__"God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go.  
>You're the only one that I want."<em>_

_Euphemia returns to boarding school at the end of the month, her vacation period over. Suzaku returns to his own house long before that, and things return to normal._

_"Suzaku and Euphie sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" _

_Except for that, which is what Lelouch is forced to listen to whenever mail from Euphemia arrives and Nunnally discovers she's sent a letter for Suzaku in addition to one for the family. _

_"Be quiet, Nunnally, you don't know what you're talking about." Under normal circumstances Lelouch would never speak to his sister in such a way; but the thought of Euphemia and Suzaku having feelings for each other sickens him and makes it impossible for him to see past his anger. "They're just friends, they don't _like_ each other."_

_Nunnally smiles, too enamored by the idea of her big sister having a boyfriend to be fazed by her brother's uncharacteristic response. "Yeah huh." She leans forward, a conspiratorial gleam in her violet eyes as she brings a hand to her mouth. "Before she left... I saw them kiss!" _

_She squeals in delight. Lelouch wants to scream. He feels as if the world has just crashed down around him. _

_That evening, when they meet at their usual spot in the park, Lelouch all but throws the letter at Suzaku, who blinks then flushes as he realizes whom it's from._

_ "Do you like her?" Lelouch demands. _

_"W-what?"_

_"Do you _like _her?" They've had a similar discussion before, about Nunnally, but this time it's different. It feels different for Lelouch. He's not asking because he wants to protect his baby sister; he needs to know because if Suzaku says 'yes', if Suzaku loves Euphemia, Lelouch feels as if his heart might stop, he'll have no reason to keep living. _

_Suzaku blushes darker, scuffing his sneakers against the dirt, fidgeting with the letter in his hands. "That's not—"_

_"It's a simple question!" Lelouch shouts, desperate, making Suzaku's eyes widen in surprise. "Do you like her, yes or no?"_

_"Yes!" Suzaku shouts too, but it manages to come across more as an apology. "I mean, I do, but— but not like you're thinking!"_

_"What is _that _supposed to mean?" Is he crying? No, he can't be, that's ridiculous; but it feels like he is. _

_"Don't get mad," Suzaku says quickly. "I don't want to hurt Euphie, I just... I like someone else…" His voice trails off, and Lelouch wonders if he should feel better or worse about Suzaku liking someone he doesn't even know about. _

_Lelouch swallows thickly. He doesn't want to know, but he has to ask. "Who is it?"_

_Suzaku refuses to meet his eyes. He's playing with the letter again, worrying his bottom lip._

_Is she pretty, Lelouch wonders; does she go to Suzaku's school? He decides he's glad it's a stranger and not Euphie, because at least this way, if Suzaku ends up dating her, Lelouch won't have to witness them being together. _

_"You're not going to tell me?" Lelouch says, clenching his fists, overwhelmed by the unexpected betrayal. He's hurt and angry and he suddenly finds himself wanting to be anywhere but near Suzaku. "We're supposed to be best friends. How can you say we're friends if you won't even—"_

_Lelouch never gets to finish the sentence, because while he was speaking Suzaku had crossed the threshold between them, grabbed him by the shoulders and is now kissing him full on the mouth underneath the oak tree where they met all those months ago. _


	21. I Found a Boy, Part 2

Lawli: Sorry for the wait! To be honest this chapters been written for at least two months now, but I didn't want to post it until I was sure how I wanted the story to end. There's only two or three more chapters left, and I was toying with several ideas of how to conclude it. I think I've finally decided on something I'm happy with, and so I'll be posting hopefully more frequently to wrap it up. Next chapter is partially written already. Real life has also been crazy for me lately, juggling full-time work and being lead in a show (pretty much a second job) and making moving arrangements (I'll be moving to Chicago hopefully next month, if all goes according to plan!) Anyways. Thanks for your patience, if you've stuck around for this story!

Disclaimer: Still own nothing!

Warnings: SuzakuxEuphemia , implied sex. Nothing at all explicit.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fragment 21<strong>_

_**I Found a Boy, Part 2**_

"_I could never look you in the eyes and settle for wrong."_

* * *

><p><em>Suzaku wants her in the way one might want a piece of fine china – to gaze upon longingly because it is so beautiful, but never to touch in fear of breaking. <em>

_At least, that was what he thought initially. But maybe Euphemia isn't so delicate as her appearance suggests. That's the only way Suzaku can explain it, when it is Euphemia who backs him up against the wall and kisses him deeply. It's an innocent kiss, one that shows she hasn't had much experience, but the way she loops her fingers through the belt holes of his jeans is anything but that. It's a demand. One that Suzaku never expected her to make. One that Suzaku doesn't know if he can follow through with. _

"_Euphie—"_

_Euphemia pulls back, a blush high on her cheeks. She's breathing a bit heavier (Suzaku notices with a pang of guilt that he is, too; he enjoyed that) her lips moist and slightly parted. _

"_I'm sorry," she says, quietly, and he can tell she means it. She's always been genuine, never the sort to lie. Hesitantly she raises her eyes to meet his, and in that instant Suzaku is overcome with an intense wave of desire. It shoots down his spine and makes him shudder, partly in horror that he is reacting in such a way and partly because Euphemia has stepped away from him. "I shouldn't have done that. It's just, when I see you…"_

_It's the same. It's exactly the same as him. There's no way to properly describe it, no way to justify the magnetic pull they feel toward each other. He has no idea what she sees in him, but to Suzaku she is beautiful and gentle and perfect - and isn't that what every man should want, isn't that normal? _

"_I know you love Lelouch—"_

_Yes, he does love Lelouch. He loves Lelouch so much it hurts; especially because Lelouch is destroying himself – and it's Suzaku's own fault, he did that, and now he can do nothing but watch Lelouch tear apart the tapestry of their life and happiness. Lelouch isn't Lelouch anymore. And Euphemia's hands are so lovely, so pleasant as they brush through his hair, and her body is so pliant beneath his fingertips, mouth so willing. He pulls her back against him, feels her shuddering breath mingling with his own and he wants her, he can't deny it. Even if it will destroy Lelouch, destroy them, destroy everything—_

_They're broken anyway. Suzaku can't fix it; Lord knows he's tried and now he's just so, so tired of it all…_

_He doesn't know when, but suddenly they're on the bed. His bed, which he's shared countless times with Lelouch – only it is not Lelouch in his arms, it is not Lelouch's chest his face is pressed against, not Lelouch's hands running up and down his back. Why does it feel so good, anyways? He should be pushing away in disgust, not pressing closer. He shouldn't want this – and yet he needs it. He needs it more than he's ever needed anything, and it's so wrong, so very, very wrong how he groans into Euphemia's mouth when her leg slides between his own and rubs against him. So wrong when she eases him onto his back and begins to undress him. _

_It's so wrong. He knows it is. And when Lelouch returns home later that night from wherever he's been, smiling sweetly with that familiar far-off look in his eyes, Suzaku can't face him. He locks himself in his bedroom and doesn't come out, not even when Lelouch's worry turns into rage, and then shouting, and screaming and sobbing and pleading and finally silence._


	22. He Won't Go

Lawli: Thanks to all of you still reading and reviewing! I really appreciate the thoughtful feedback.

So this chapter we will get a little of Euphemia for once.

To reviewer Esther Ro - there was no log in so I had no way to reply to you! I would love to grab coffee and fangirl Geass once I'm all settled up there! ;D

Disclaimer: Still own nothing!

Warnings: none.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 22<br>He Won't Go_**

_"I heard his voice today.  
>I didn't know a single word he sad.<br>Not one resemblance to the man I met,  
>just a vague and broken boy instead"<em>

* * *

><p><em>(It doesn't make him happy.<em>

_But then… when had hating Suzaku ever?_

_There is only one happiness, one constant, and it is nothing that can be attained by any means other than the past.)_

* * *

><p>There is clutter everywhere.<p>

The Lelouch Euphemia remembers would have been appalled by such a mess, but Euphemia has long accepted that the Lelouch of her childhood is gone, that the accident that claimed his mother's life and sister's legs also took his soul.

The man in the living room, curled in a ball and trembling with defensive violet eyes is a stranger. He is not her brother, and Euphemia doesn't even know if she can bring herself to pity him. This is the Lelouch that drove Suzaku away – that pushed all of them out of his life, as if they meant nothing. And maybe he'd had his reasons, and maybe some of them were even valid - but no, what reason is there to abandon family?

So she hardens her resolve and takes a step towards him. "Are you happy now, Lelouch? Did you get what you wanted?"

Lelouch jumps, eyes flickering to her and narrowing accusingly. She tries not to flinch. "If you're here to drag me to the reception," he snaps, "you're wasting your time."

Euphemia blinks, the word choice puzzling her. "I'm not here to do anything," she says, moving over to the sofa across from Lelouch and slowly lowering herself to sit. He watches her intensely as a mouse might its natural predators. She sighs. "I'm sure anyone else would insist I drag you to jail, if what you did to Suzaku is true."

This stumps him. Because it _is_ true, and of course he can't remember. "What _I _did?"

"I'm only here to talk," Euphemia assures him.

Lelouch snarls. "I sent a gift. What more do you want – my blessing? _Fuck_ you."

"I just want to know why you did it."

Because, yes, they've all made choices they aren't proud of and they've all hurt each other in ways that are irreparable. But they all love each other deep down, she knows that they do; and they are all family, and at the end of the day shouldn't that matter above all else? Shouldn't they be able to forgive each other, be happy for each other?

Lelouch opens his mouth - whether to answer or just insult her again, Euphemia doesn't know – then snaps it shut, brows knitting together in confusion. He doesn't have an answer for her – can't have one, because his mind is somewhere ten years in the past and he has no idea what she's talking about. In the end he merely raises a trembling hand and points his index finger at her.

"Isn't it... what you did?"

The guilt floods Euphemia's heart at the poignant question.

She has tried to be a good person; she's tried to convince herself that she is good – just as she's held onto the belief that things can be fixed, that her family won't always be broken – but who is she kidding? Lelouch has every right to hate her. He'll never forgive her and she wouldn't deserve it even if he did. She's as horrible and rotten as Lelouch claims.

There are tears in her eyes but her voice is strong. "I know you resent me. You have every reason to. I… betrayed you," she admits for possibly the first time. Always has she tried to make excuses for herself, but the truth is this: she betrayed Lelouch, betrayed her brother in a way a sister never should. She had seen something she wanted and in true Britannia fashion did not stop until it was hers. "I was selfish. I loved him. The moment I saw him, I loved him. How could I not? There's something about him... you know that. And I knew he was yours, I _knew_ that, but I.. I couldn't _stop_ myself from wanting him."

Lelouch's hands clench into fists. Euphemia continues before he can say anything, because he needs to hear this – he needs to, even if he won't remember it the next day, even if he doesn't believe a word of it, she can't just give up. She won't give up on this, the one thing she has left.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'm not here because of me." He scoffs, but she persists. "You can hate me, and you can hate Suzaku – though I don't think you really do, I don't think you ever did. And he doesn't hate you either, not really. Even when he was with me, he never stopped loving you. Sometimes when he's a sleep he says your name. Or even when he's not asleep." She closes her eyes, remembers how when they last made love the name on Suzaku's lips was not her own. "I pretend I don't hear it. If I pretended, maybe I could make myself believe we were a happy couple, completely in love with each other. I can pretend we're the normal family he's always wanted."

She lifts her gaze from the carpet, finds Lelouch eyes and forces him to acknowledge that. "That is what he's always wanted. I don't think you know… well, maybe you did know. Because of his father…" Lelouch swallows. Euphemia can see his mind working, his violet eyes flicking back and forth as he sees things she can't- things that may or may not have ever happened, because who can tell with Refrain. She reaches out and, when he doesn't pull away, covers his hands with her own. Lelouch's hands are cold and shaking uncontrollably. She squeezes them gently and tries to smile.

"Suzaku is a good father. Luana adores him, and that's – that's why I'm here." Lelouch jerks back but Euphemia keeps holding his hands. She won't let him run from her, from this. Because she doesn't care if Lelouch wants to hate them, or take revenge on them, or whatever it is he's thinking this will accomplish. It is her daughter she cares about above all else. Before anything, she is a mother.

"Suzaku and I, and even you, we all made our mistakes. And _none_ of that is Luana's fault."

Lelouch is struggling more frantically now, but he's always been weak, the weakest of all of his siblings most likely, and it isn't difficult for even Euphemia to restrain him. Motherhood has made her quite resistant to temper tantrums and she isn't going anywhere until Lelouch has made her a promise.

"I don't have a right to ask you for anything, but Lelouch- _Lelouch_," she raises her voice and digs her nails into his wrists, "_do not_ take him away from her."

He gets one hand free, and his eyes are blazing as he reaches for her neck. She can feel his pulse thrumming wildly like a caged bird.

"Lelouch," she begs. "_Please_."

The tips of his fingers brush against her throat before he spasms and falls back against the floor, the whites of his eyes facing the ceiling.


	23. Hometown Glory

Lawli: My flight from Chicago was unexpectedly delayed and so I thought: hey, this is a good time to write a chapter. We are winding down to the finale of this story, and even I have no idea what sort of ending is in store. Inspiration comes to me whenever it feels like it, I really have no control. I just know the end is coming. Who knows which couple will prevail in the end? (Ok well I do know which couple _won't_, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the other couple _will.. _Don't you just love riddles?)

This chapter title is from Adele's album _19_. It's an interlude of sorts, a memory of the past from Suzaku's point of view and a glimpse at the 'normal' life with the Britannias that he so badly wanted.

Warnings: none.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Fragment 23<br>Hometown Glory_**

_Round my hometown, memories are fresh  
><em>_Round my hometown, ooh, the people I've met are the wonders of my world,  
><em>_are the wonders of my world  
>are the wonders of this world, are the wonders and now<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suzaku never really believes the stories Lelouch tells him, because in all the time he's spent at the Britannia house Charles Britannia has seemed like an upstanding man. Perhaps a little distant with his family, but with the best intentions at heart. He wants to be successful and provide for his wife and children; that is what Suzaku reads in the stoic expression and amount of time spent away from home. Lelouch disagrees wholeheartedly – says Suzaku doesn't know and could never understand, says he would rather his father provide less and be around more often. Says it doesn't matter how many things his children have if they don't have their father.<em>

_And maybe Lelouch is right and Suzaku can't understand, because he has always had a father he would rather not be around. Because Suzaku's father spends too much time at home, and Suzaku has bruises he hides under his shirt._

_Suzaku thinks that he is cold, and he agrees that one should never put business before family, but he does not think that Charles Britannia is a cruel man._

_That is, until Charles visits the day Luana is born, and his lips curl downward at the sight of his frail, premature granddaughter, crying and writhing in the incubator._

_"What is her name?"_

_Suzaku looks at his daughter, her disarray of dark hair and upturned nose, and can't help feeling that he's done something wrong. "We were thinking Nunnally Anne."_

_Charles' mouth forms a thin line and Suzaku has to resist shrinking under the fire in those violet eyes. "Absolutely not."_

_Suzaku opens his mouth, not understanding the refusal. Nunnally is dear to everyone's heart in the family, and Suzaku thought Charles would be honored more than anything that Suzaku and Euphemia would want to use Marianne's name. But Charles is outright glaring at the infant now and Suzaku has the sudden urge to reach into the incubator and cradle his daughter protectively to his chest. There is no affection in that gaze, no pride._

_"She reminds me of Marianne's children," Charles says. "Weak. The weak don't survive in this world, Suzaku." He turns his eyes on Suzaku and now there is a strange sort of pride – or approval, at the very least. His large hand lands heavily on Suzaku's shoulder. Suzaku wants to draw back but fears what reaction that might bring. After all, this is the man he has tried to impress a majority of his life, whom he has strived to be a worthy son-in-law to. "Just look at what a mess my errant son has made of his life – and what you, considerably less fortunate in your upbringing, have made of yours. You're a fighter, Suzaku, and that is why I like you."_

_And what of Nunnally? he wants to ask. Certainly she is not weak. Certainly she had no control over the accident that claimed her mother, which stole from her, her legs and eyesight and brother._

_And certainly Suzaku is no one to be proud of, after all the horrible things he has done in his life. Lelouch's own weaknesses can be attributed to him._

_"I'm not that strong, sir," he insists, "and you should give your children more credit than that."_

_Charles will hear none of it. "Luana," he decides with a decisive nod. "That was my mother's middle name. Feminine, but strong."_

_Suzaku wants to argue. Names were something he and Euphemia had decided on the moment they'd learned the baby's gender. But he can't. He crumbles under Charles' hard gaze and finds himself nodding, and later, when he's signing the name to the birth certificate and Euphemia shakes her head in obvious disappointment, he doesn't acknowledge her._


	24. Take It All

Lawli: So my muse has decided that this is the last official chapter. Which is the ending I had originally had in mind... And possibly there will be an epilogue, or even a short continuation fic... depending on how severe the bite of this new plotbunny I have. I like this universe though, depressing as it is, and it would be nice to focus on this very broken family now that we know the history behind it. We'll see. At there very least there should be an epilogue.

Thanks so much for reading and especially thank you to those who have reviewed and stuck by this story since the beginning!

Warnings: sadness?

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><p><strong><em>Fragment 24<br>Take it All_**

_So is it over?  
>Is this really it?<br>You're giving up so easily,  
><em>_I thought you loved me more than this.  
><em>_But go on and take it, take it all with you.  
><em>_Don't look back at this crumbling fool.  
><em>_Just take it all with my love._

* * *

><p>"What's wrong with him?"<p>

Luana holds on to Suzaku's hand, having chosen the strong solidity of her father over the warm comfort of her mother's presence. They both look ready to break, as close to crying as she's ever seen either one of them, and she wonders how that can be. Her father especially has always seemed to her like a pillar of strength, unfazed by scraped knees and other such visible booboos.

She doesn't know the man on the bed. She recognizes him from the day he came for supper, and she's heard his name mentioned in harsh whispers when her parents thought she wasn't listening. Apparently he's one of her uncles, but some part of her knows it's a lie because her father gets along with all her uncles - they all work together at the office, and they all smile and make each other laugh and none of them has ever made her father wear such a tortured expression.

"Your uncle Lelouch is very sick," her mother says, slowly, when it becomes clear that her father has no answer.

Luana frowns, waits a moment, and then with all the tactlessness of childhood asks: "is he going to die?"

Both adults suck in a sharp breath. Her father's hand closes tightly around Luana's fingers.

Her mother's voice is gentle, her father's borderline hysterical as they rush to assure her and themselves of the same thing: "_No_!"

Their eyes meet briefly. Luana watches as her mother studies her father's face – the fear and the guilt so clearly present there, neither of which emotions Luana can grasp the true meaning of but which her mother seems to understand. Luana looks back down at the unconscious man who is her uncle and wonders just who he is to her parents. In that moment, even if she knows she should pity him, she decides she does not like him.

"Luana... why don't you go get a snack?"

Luana blinks, furrows her brow. Her mother is still staring at her father with that same calm understanding, but Luana feels as if something has shifted between them, and has the strange sense that, if she leaves now, things will not be the same when she returns. But there's no arguing with her mother, who passes some money into her hands and tells her Uncle Clovis is waiting just outside.

She leaves the room and the dying man behind.

(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

In the hospital bed, Lelouch looks so small and fragile, so much like the little boy in the park who'd smiled and saved him from the darkness of his home life; who Suzaku had tried to save when the darkness, in return, threatened to overtake him. The boy Suzaku had failed.

And then abandoned.

_Oh, Lelouch_…

Suzaku can barely stand to look at him, this shell of a human being kept alive by machines. Euphemia stands on the opposite side of the bed, her eyes haunted in a way he's never seen, and he can tell she feels the same way. Responsible, though Suzaku thinks she has no reason to feel that way. This is his fault. All the pain that has been caused, all the suffering… he is the root of it all. The Britannia family might still be happy, might still be whole if he had never come along to disrupt them.

He should be in this bed, not Lelouch.

But nothing can change the past, not even escaping to it every day. The events will always play out the same, even with Refrain. At some point Suzaku had realized that, turned his focus to the future instead; but Lelouch remained stuck in a cage of his own making, trapped by memories of what was and what could have been.

He's glad Luana is no longer here. He knows he won't be able to hold in the tears much longer - especially as he reaches out with the hand that had been holding his daughter and, trembling, touches Lelouch's wrist just below where the IV is connected – and he would hate for her to see him cry over a man he rightfully should not care about. But he does care. _Why does he still care?_ After all this time, why can't he just let it go?

_"You promised you'd always be mine."_

Yes, he promised that and so many other things – to both Lelouch and Euphemia. And he'd broken all of those promises. But Lelouch... Lelouch was killing himself, and Suzaku couldn't stand by and watch and he couldn't do anything about it so he'd just _ran_.

Euphemia's eyes are on him the entire time. Suzaku doesn't know what to make of being studied by her like this; he's not used to such scrutiny from her, who has always accepted him despite his many weaknesses and shortcomings.

"I'm glad you came," she finally whispers. It's the first time she's spoken to him directly since the frantic phone call she'd made on the way to the hospital.

Suzaku feels a familiar ache in his chest. "I'm not that heartless." _Am I? _

Euphemia, always able to read him so well, smiles. It's a small, sad, barely-there smile. "I didn't say that you are. You're a good person, Suzaku."

If she says it, it must be true. So then why does he still feel like such a monster?

"Even after everything that's happened," he tries to explain, words failing him as they so often tend to. Lelouch was always the clever one, not him. "I mean—this is serious."

"It is," Euphemia agrees. She waits a moment, watches as Suzaku moves to hold Lelouch's hand. "But it makes what I'm about to do a little bit easier."

Suzaku freezes. He can hear it in her voice – the pain, but the finality. The decision has already been made. But still he can't believe it. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that he needs you. And you need him."

"What are you saying?" Suzaku releases Lelouch's hand, makes to move around the hospital bed to stand by her side. She holds up a hand to stop him. "_Euphie_," his voice is pleading, he knows. She can't leave him. "I need_ you_."

The smile is more genuine this time, even if there are tears in her eyes. "Oh, Suzaku... I really wish that were true."

Against her wishes he crosses over to her, because he has never been able to watch her cry. It's like a knife through the heart. Thankfully she does not push him away. She leans into his embrace, inhales deeply and clutches at his shirt _and this can't be the end – how can it be?_ He tightens his arms around her, buries his face in her hair and now he's crying too.

"It's all right," Euphemia says, bringing a hand up to stroke his cheek. He shakes his head, because nothing is right about any of this. "I still love you, Suzaku," she promises, even though they both wish she didn't. It would be easier if she didn't. "I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But your place isn't by my side… I think I've known it all along. I just wish I'd accepted it sooner."

"What about Luana?"

He can't stand the thought of losing her as well – to lose the three people he loves more than anything, all at the same time.

"You can see her whenever you like. A child shouldn't be without their father." She takes his hand suddenly, presses it to her abdomen and Suzaku's protest dies in his throat as he feels a soft, fluttering movement through the fabric of Euphemia's dress. His eyes widen, mouth falling slack. She kisses him deeply and he clings to it, to this last vestige of intimacy he knows they'll ever share with each other.

Suzaku swallows, still trying to wrap his mind around everything. "Euphie... Everything I ever said— everything I've ever felt – none of it was a lie." They can salvage this, they can. All she has to do is say the word. His voice cracks a little as he takes her hands in his own and kisses the tips of her fingers. "I love you."

"I know," she says, closing her eyes. "And we tried our best, Suzaku." She pulls away from him, takes a few steps back and closer t the door because it's obvious being so close is making her second-guess herself. "I still want you to be around for – for the kids. It's important that you are. But I… as much as I want you with me, I know that he needs you. And I'm…" She took a deep breath. Suzaku fought back the urge to wipe the tearstains from her cheeks. "I don't want to be with you, knowing that I only have half of your heart. That that's all I've ever had."

For a while there is only the constant sound of the heart monitor, the machine breathing for Lelouch, and the pounding of blood in Suzaku's ears.

Euphemia bends down to brush a kiss to Lelouch's forehead. She whispers something in his ear. Suzaku can't quite make out the words, but then they really aren't meant for him to hear.

She walks over to him again, touches his hand lightly and kisses his cheek.

"Take care of yourself. Take care of him."

Suzaku doesn't know what to say. Or rather, there are too many things he wants to say that he doesn't know what to start with. He wants to thank her for loving him, even with his heart so divided. He wants her forgiveness for all the times he's let her down. He wants her to tell him what to do, even though he knows he's the only one who can provide an answer for that. There's only one path left for him, and so he sets his jaw and nods.

"I will."


	25. Epilogue: I'll Be Waiting

Lawli: Here's that epilogue I promised... if you haven't already read it on my LJ! ;) Thanks again for all the support you've given this fic! It's been very much appreciated.

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><p><strong>Fragment 25<br>**_**I'll be Waiting  
><strong>__"I'll be waiting for you when you're ready  
><em>_to love me again."_

_"How is he?"_

Suzaku greets the receptionist with his usual, forced smile as he enters the nondescript brick building. She's a pretty thing, a little younger than him with red hair and kind olive eyes that remind him of Euphemia. She gives him a knowing look as she hands over a clipboard and a visitor's badge.

"Back again, Mr. Kururugi?"

"Every Thursday," Suzaku answers as he signs his name to list of visitors.

She takes the clipboard back. "And Tuesday and Sunday…"

He expects her to laugh, and is actually quite surprised when she only smiles at him fondly. It is absurd, to think he would devote so much time to a lost cause. But what else does he have? Since quitting his job at Britannia Corp two months ago he has had a lot more time on his hands. Asplund Auto is far more laid back, his supervisor sympathetic and always happy to give him time to be with his family. It's not like Suzaku has hobbies or anything. He likes cars, and now he works on them all day long, so when he's off there's nothing else to do besides visit his children or visit Lelouch.

Who is, in his own way, very much a child as well.

"I admire you," the receptionist – _Shirley_, Suzaku refreshes his memory by glancing at her nametag – says as she leads him down a familiar hallway. "To be so dedicated to the person you love, it's… it's inspiring." Her cheeks tint pink at the romantic sentiment. The naiveté makes Suzaku want to both smile and roll his eyes. "He's very lucky to have you."

Suzaku wants to tell her the truth: _no he's not_. If it weren't for Suzaku, none of this would have even happened.

"Lulu," Shirley calls, opening one of the doors and peaking her head in. "You have a visitor."

A man sits at the edge of the bed, black-and-red checkered blanket thrown over his slumped shoulders, and stares intently at the chessboard on the table in front of him.

"_The same. Managing the withdrawals better, but…"_

Lelouch doesn't acknowledge Shirley, but when Suzaku steps into the room his expression brightens and he looks fourteen again – hopeful and happy and... very bad at hiding his emotions.

"S-Suzaku!" He sits up straight, throwing the blanket off and running a hand through his hair in an obvious effort to make himself more presentable. "What are you doing here?"

In that instant Suzaku's whole countenance changes, posture relaxing and smile coming more easily to his face. Shirley excuses herself, telling him to buzz the front desk if there's any problems before closing the door. Suzaku crosses the room.

"Do you know how to place chess?" Lelouch asks.

"Someone taught me once," Suzaku replies, remembering that summer afternoon when Lelouch spent countless hours, steadily growing more and more frustrated, trying to get the basics across to his friend. "But I was never very good at it."

Lelouch sighs. "Me neither." He picks up the Black King, as Suzaku has seen him do numerous time, and twirls it absently between his fingers. "I feel as if I've played before, but… I don't know. Whenever I try to remember the rules I can't think of them."

_"But he still doesn't remember."_

"Have you tried playing with anyone?"

Lelouch flushes and shakes his head. He never has been good at making friends, and now especially – surrounded by nurses and patients and people who don't really care – it's more difficult than ever. "You're the only one who... who ever really visits."

That's not true. Suzaku knows it isn't, because Euphemia has tried to see him on numerous occasions and every time Lelouch refuses to let her in. The doctors used to ask him why, but they stopped trying once they learned Lelouch couldn't even recall he had a sister.

Schneizel has tried to visit as well, and Clovis too. Lelouch tolerates their company for short periods of time but never has much to say to them. And Nunnally... The rest of the family tries to keep her away. No one knows how it will affect either of them. No one wants to risk it.

_ "…No."_

"Suzaku…" Lelouch's voice is soft, barely above a whisper as he sets the king piece back down. "Is there something wrong with me?"

This is the question that always hurts. The question Suzaku always takes too long to answer, because he never knows what to say. Lelouch takes the silence as an answer in and of itself and Suzaku hates it, hates the way Lelouch grimaces and closes himself off, hates the way he blinks rapidly to keep the tears from springing to his eyes.

_"I'm sure it just takes time. Eventually something will trigger, some memory will resurface."_

Today, Suzaku does not hesitate.

He reaches out, takes Lelouch's hands in his own and squeezes them. Lelouch's eyes, wide and a little surprised, flit upwards to meet his. As far as he can remember Suzaku has never touched him before, not willingly.

_"It doesn't matter. I'll stay with him regardless."_

"I don't know," he says honestly, and of course it's not a proper answer, it's not anything that can satisfy Lelouch. Lelouch frowns and looks away but doesn't try to pull back. "But Lelouch... I promise." Maybe he shouldn't, because he's broken so many promises. But he _wants_ to. He wants to make Lelouch happy, because they're all each other have left. "No matter what happens," – no matter if Lelouch never remembers him, or what they had been to each other – "I won't leave you."

_"Because you love him?"_

Lelouch's expression cracks, the composure he fought so hard to maintain crumbling away and suddenly he's throwing himself into Suzaku's arms, burying his face in Suzaku's chest and crying for so many and no reason at all. And Suzaku feels for the first time in a very long time that he's done something right. That even if there is so much that has gone wrong, so many things that have been destroyed… Not all is lost.

_"Because he's Lelouch."_


End file.
